Problems with the Sleepless Brain…

I guess I want to say that the first time I ever remember of my brains ramblings I was maybe 10 and the first time I noticed the pattern of its ramblings keeping me from slumber I guess I was about 20 years old.

When I was about 22 I was dx’d with clinical depression, really was not expecting that diagnosis as it didn’t seem to fit but I went along with it why not I figure the medical field people know more than myself and even though they put me on some medication it never seemed right, never felt any results because my brain was still full of thoughts, racing at best and there was no stopping. Sleep seemed seldom.

Before I had my kids I was staying up until near 3am and maybe sleeping about 4 hours a night if that as my brain just won’t quit thinking.

Starting to think maybe I did my best thinking when I should be resting, funny but not as I’d love to sleep.

Seems now that I’ve had my kids I think twice as much as I did before them. When they were little they kept me pretty preoccupied even though my brain didn’t slow down none but I would say it would pause during certain moments of the day but never at night…ugh.

Today I have several dx’s: Asperger’s, Bipolar 1, OCD, PTSD and Anxiety Disorders. Not happy about them but through therapy I understand why and how several came to be and a few are genetic unfortunately.

The many thoughts that race through are things I should’ve done or said, sad things, things from the past or of the future, pets, home, car, people, shows and movies, food or what to cook next, my boys and their schools, my husband and his family or my parents and other family, etc…

Its never just one thing, it’s multiple and always, always constant when one races through 10 more come in nothing ever leaves and always worse at night!

I just wanna sleep without my brain thinking so much. Grrr…

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Still here…

I know I’ve been MIA for a good while, just haven’t had the words at the tip of my fingers lately though I’ve wanted and tried many times to gather my thoughts but they are just running so wildly like a kid without their ADHD medication though I wonder if maybe that could be what I need to keep my thoughts from running so out of control so that maybe I could freely think on one thing at a time.

In the time that I have been gone I’ve come to realize that I’m a bit complicated, can’t believe I’m saying this but I do believe my dx of Bipolar is correct though yes I am an aspie and I’ve come to the realization that the two can co-exist and I’m fine with that. Thing is though is other people, I don’t think they are ok with anyone who are different from the “norm”, who have “issues” and real problems. It’s unfortunate for them, sure I am different and yes I am odd and weird as well as have some complicated issues to deal with on a daily basis but doesn’t mean I don’t have real feelings or that I don’t feel the same as anyone else. I wish I could walk away from some of the things that hurt or bother me but it’s never a simple thing and never will be.

So, I’m still here and I’ll post again soon.

Toodles!

Been TOO long….

It’s been too long since I’ve been here to post anything, just been busy with this thing called life and speaking of such life I must pause a moment in one we lost most recently, one who held my teen years hostage in his songs, Prince. Whether you liked him or not no matter but it was still a life lost.

— Pause—

Anyways, as I had mentioned it’s been a long time since I’ve come here to post and I totally missed posting on here during April, Autism Awareness Month and I’m a bit bummed about that as I had plans to post more awareness for females on the spectrum but I know I can always post so I’m not that bummed about that. There still needs to be more awareness about females on the spectrum so that girls aren’t left behind as I was. I didn’t know until I was 42 that I had Asperger’s Syndrome. Had I known or even my mom known when I was a girl in elementary school maybe I could’ve had more help towards my emotions, moods, anxieties and phobias. Course my mom had me evaluated and tested back when I was in 3rd grade in the early 80’s, they told my mom I was just a little slow and had some learning difficulties in the area of math, some speech problems, memory issues and difficulties understanding of sarcasms and idioms where I took them literally. I had help in math up until 10th grade as I didn’t require any more credits in math and I had speech up until 8th grade. I was so embarrassed to be in those classes and afraid that other students would find out and I would be laughed at, though no one ever found out thankfully.

Coming here to voice my opinions and tell my life story helps in some ways, though not completely as I have deep, very deep wounds from my parents and how I was raised. I never got “beatings” but let’s say words cut deeper than any spanking and they last forever. I think so much about those words all the time especially during certain times.

Lastly, I’ve learned that getting older stinks! Ok, until next time which I hope I won’t take forever to return to bore you with a little humor, maybe dry at times but I hope not. Good day  😉

 

Zero Concentration!

Here it is I want to write freely about something yet my mind goes to about a million different directions! No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to think on just one thing I get many, many more thoughts butting in and I’m unable to concentrate on the one thing I wanted to write about. There’s no way I could write a book alone, I would need several people to help me, which I would love to write books and do have a ton of ideas on books to write but my brain totally gets in the way. It’s so frustrating!!

It’s like on here, I know I don’t keep up so I get to thinking that my follower’s get tired of waiting for me to post my next post but I know that, well I hope I know, that all follower’s have others that they do follow too but I hope that even though I’m not here as often that my follower’s do stick with me. You know what they say “Patience is a virtue”…many times which I don’t have though I try.

Maybe I need something to help me keep me concentrated or well focused on the main thing I’m doing, that would definitely help, it helps my boys when they are in school so why not me too.

My hope is that I will do better at being here more often to share more of my aspie life, aspie kids, marriage and the 5 furbabies that we love.

To end, I thank all that follow me…ya’ll give me encouragement to keep going just by liking a post or following me.