Just don’t….

Don’t over crowd me, don’t get too close, don’t close me in or back me in a corner, don’t trap me into a long conversation or press me too hard about anything or try to get me to go somewhere I don’t want to go, don’t answer for me unless I ask you to do so, don’t waste my time, don’t bug my last nerve, don’t chew with your mouth open and don’t smack your lips, don’t be a dick/witch to me, don’t assume I’m done talking because I pause a moment, don’t think I’m stupid because I am unable to do something you are able to do, don’t think I want your pitty when I open up to you and tell you my dx’s, don’t lie to me, don’t be a shit/fake friend, don’t talk politics or religion and don’t judge me.

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Problems with the Sleepless Brain…

I guess I want to say that the first time I ever remember of my brains ramblings I was maybe 10 and the first time I noticed the pattern of its ramblings keeping me from slumber I guess I was about 20 years old.

When I was about 22 I was dx’d with clinical depression, really was not expecting that diagnosis as it didn’t seem to fit but I went along with it why not I figure the medical field people know more than myself and even though they put me on some medication it never seemed right, never felt any results because my brain was still full of thoughts, racing at best and there was no stopping. Sleep seemed seldom.

Before I had my kids I was staying up until near 3am and maybe sleeping about 4 hours a night if that as my brain just won’t quit thinking.

Starting to think maybe I did my best thinking when I should be resting, funny but not as I’d love to sleep.

Seems now that I’ve had my kids I think twice as much as I did before them. When they were little they kept me pretty preoccupied even though my brain didn’t slow down none but I would say it would pause during certain moments of the day but never at night…ugh.

Today I have several dx’s: Asperger’s, Bipolar 1, OCD, PTSD and Anxiety Disorders. Not happy about them but through therapy I understand why and how several came to be and a few are genetic unfortunately.

The many thoughts that race through are things I should’ve done or said, sad things, things from the past or of the future, pets, home, car, people, shows and movies, food or what to cook next, my boys and their schools, my husband and his family or my parents and other family, etc…

Its never just one thing, it’s multiple and always, always constant when one races through 10 more come in nothing ever leaves and always worse at night!

I just wanna sleep without my brain thinking so much. Grrr…

Always Overthinking….

One of the many things that people with Asperger’s do is overthink things, sometimes over analyze until we worry so much that our anxieties take over, even though sometimes it makes us have panic attacks sometimes we are right about what we fear or worry over. If others would only but listen to us more than trying to always tell us to “calm down”. For me the only way to calm me is for others to listen to me and that’s one reason I see a therapist.

So that being said I have something that is presently bothering me and kind of “overthinking” some. My youngest, he is 11 and he was dx’d (diagnosed) at age 3 with Asperger’s, Anxiety, OCD, Tremors, TICS, ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorders, Petit Mal Seizures. He is considered low to middle on the ASD scale. He didn’t talk until he was near 3 but it was all gibberish, nothing was understandable and if he wanted anything he would point and grunt. He had all the signs of “Classic Autism” but because he could do certain things and could learn they diagnosed him with Asperger’s.

Once he was dx’d with Petit Mal Seizures we started seeing a Neurologist which dx’d his tremors as Simple Tremors, if you google it you’ll see why I think about it so much. He’s had the Tremors since birth and they’re getting worse as he ages. They’re so bad he can’t write, holding a cup without a lid can be very messy for him, brushing his teeth is difficult for him so we help him with that, doing any small task is extremely difficult. He gets services at school, he uses a laptop when he needs to write they have a program on the laptop for him. He does pretty good in school, though he has had his moments which I’ll post about another time.

Here is what I keep overthinking about with his Tremors. What is the likely hood that it could be an early onset of MS or Parkinson’s. There’s no one in the family, that we know of, that has either but that doesn’t mean it can’t just start. My husband keeps trying to say no way, says that he has tremors but they are not the same no where near the same. I’m sure he is trying to ease my mind but really it doesn’t. I try hard not to think of this.

I really hate this overthinking.

Comforts I love and need!

Some may understand, mostly other aspies and parents of aspies, how much we love comfort and sameness. It can be anything, from foods to movies to things you touch or hold or maybe a combination of several things. For myself it’s a combination of many things of different foods, certain movies and certain kinds of fabrics.

My food comforts, some are ones I will cook at home but some are ones I must go get from a restaurant (umm, NOT McD’s yack!). The ones I cook myself are: Spaghetti, Meatloaf, Roast, good southern food which mostly is greens and beans with cornbreadĀ and those are just my comfort ones. I cook more than just those, those are just the ones I could eat more than once or twice and not be sick of them. The ones from restaurants are: Chicken Chimi’s from our local Mexican place, General Sao’s chicken, Fried Rice and Pizza.

The movies I could watch a million times and still love them and not be bored or sick of them are well mostly from the 80’s and 90’s, yea I know but I was born in the 70’s and in the 80’s was my teen years so go figure on that one. Course that’s not to say I don’t like/love movies from a different time or these days. I generally love comedy but I sometimes go through a stage where I want drama or scary movies, action and adventure are iffy but will watch them from time to time and fantasy takes me to a different place, kinda makes me feel like I should be there..yea I know strange but hey that’s just me.

Things I love to feel and hold are fabrics that are so soft or satiny feeling, I could hold or sleep with all day or night. Like right now I have brown satin sheets on my bed, feels so nice and soft I run my hands and arms all over the smooth surface feels so soft, like if I were to touch a cloud that’s how I imagine it feeling. The satiny softness eases my nerves, helps me relax and calms me so I rest easier at night. There are other fabrics I enjoy touching too and sometimes I have found that I have this thing when I’m shopping if something even looks soft I will touch it, more like I need to touch it.

Like I say not many will get this, mostly other aspies and parents of aspies will understand. And these things I need daily in my life to help me when I’m stressed or my senses are out of whack or maybe my anxiety is near panic mode many of these help me.

When I was a little girl…

I was always odd, weird, silent, never bothered a soul, played just fine alone, knew how to read before I could write and yet numbers messed with my head. I didn’t like to be teased, easily got my feelings hurt, easily angered, quick tempered, certain foods were nasty, didn’t and still don’t like gooey, sticky stuff on my hands and the worst was I couldn’t take a joke, well these days some times I still can’t or it’s just hard for me to “get it” right away. Some say I’m emotional, others have said I’m too serious.

Had Barbies, dolls, stuffed animals, coloring books (which I do still love) but I also had cars, trucks, guns (you know those cowboy guns that you put these little red paper rolls in the gun, cap guns…maybe you’re a bit young for those or you might be my age and remember), yea I had a combo of things I liked growing up.

When it came time for school I pretty much watched how the other girls did things, the way they talked, moved, did their hair, be with friends, what they laughed at and I mimicked them because I didn’t know how to be.

Here’s a great memory from middle school. So there was a boy I kinda liked, I had no idea how to do or act. He had funky, spike hair which I thought was cool (OK so this was the 80’s) and I thought I would do my hair like his…thing is I had medium length hair he didn’t. Every morning I would put enough mousse, gel and hair spray to catch birds and they would get stuck! Then I would scrunch all my hair up making some stick up…looking back I know I looked awful but back then I thought it was awesome and I don’t recall anyone ever laughing, well it’s good that I don’t know. But it didn’t work anyways…I know better now.

Another lovely memory, one not many know outside my family. This was mid-80’s, my mom worked with Coca-cola (she retired in 06 after 30+ years) and they always had coke night at six-flags over GA which was pretty cool, we got in for free, had a huge feast and enjoy the whole park all day. Well, I didn’t care to ride the big scary coasters, didn’t like the crowds, didn’t like the games, didn’t like the costumes…actually didn’t like to do a whole lot and many scared me but the one thing that they did do that absolutely terrified me the most and Everyone else seemed to really enjoy…the fireworks! Near closing time they always did fireworks. I don’t know if anyone had seen me, I really didn’t care though, all I wanted was it to stop. This is me as soon as they started: imagine if you will a 10-12 year old girl crouching, covering her ears, screaming and running around as if she were in a combat zone in the middle of a war! I don’t do that now but I do stay a far, far, far far, far distance.

Early on in my childhood I also gained a healthy respect for storms. When I knew they were headed my way I would build a fort and hide, at night I hid under my covers no matter how hot in the summer too! These days I don’t build forts or hide under my covers but my anxiety takes the place of them.

A lot of these I’ve seen in my boys like covering their ears, storms are issues, etc…but not once did it ever dawn on me that I was the same until I was diagnosed Asperger’s, anxieties, OCD and Bipolar (which I believe that one is not right).

Thats all I got to say about that…for now that is.

Get to know me part 2…

So really not sure where I left off or where to begin, yet again, but I’ll just start where I think I should and go from there, if I ramble I apologize as sometimes I do tend to.
Anywho, let’s begin….

My childhood…in looking back I can now see things that made me stand out from my other peers, though back in the 70’s and 80’s Asperger’s wasn’t heard of nor was OCD or anxiety or sensory issues. All we were back then was labeled as a difficult child or slow learner, which yes I was tested and they said I was a slow learner with math and had some speech issues. Really I had Asperger’s, OCD, anxiety and sensory issues but of course they didn’t know back then.

I remember in first grade during learning time when everyone was to work in a workbook and learn I was on the floor by the books reading. I picked up reading at an early age, spelling I was excellent at, writing I had no problems but math that is a different story and remembering numbers was a nightmare for me.
Being in speech helped me with some of the “literal” issues, course to this day I’m still very literal thinking and hard to know when someone is joking with me or “pulling my leg”.
And 7 years of being in a separate class for my math learning disability helped some but I still can’t get fractions, heck I can’t do anything beyond division! Oh well, I know enough to get by.

I was definitely not the typical little girl who played with Barbies, I did but what I mean is I could play with dolls and Barbies then turn and play with cars, yes I did line them up though I usually lined everything up even my food!
OK so speaking of food, with chips I always did and still do sort my chips..Lol..from smallest, broken and then big. I like food but am pretty darn picky too but was worse when I was younger.

I’m not very “girly”, I don’t care about make-up, don’t care about my appearance too much. I was however brought up to make certain my appearance was basically presentable, my hair in place and clothes clean and I didn’t smell.

When in school I learned to “mask” myself, or well kind of like wear a pretend mask so no one would know I was different or appear odd. I would watch how other girls would do, behave and would mimic them.
I grew up with a girl who we went to daycare together and lived just a house up from each other, she became my best friend and I learned a lot from her. We are still close to this day.

Friendships, I just don’t get them even though I do have the one bff. Usually others use me for certain things, abuse my kindness and little gullible naive ways because they learn I have a hard time saying no.

In closing I must say that I’m happy with my Aspie diagnosis, I’m still learning things and have a great counselor who is helping me with my many, many issues. Guess you could say I’m still a work in progress at 42!

Rule follower!

Funny, there’s so many rules every where you go. Rules to abide by, that keep you safe, keep you healthy…rules in school, home, pool, driving, socializing, bus, shopping, doctors…every where there’s some sort of rules to follow.

Being an aspie I thrive to follow the rules, in every thing, always! I feel if I cheat the rules or go outside of what the rules are that I’m doomed or frowned upon, in trouble more or less so for me I must follow the rules accordingly.

Now when I see others not following the rules it makes me upset, knowing that had it been me not following the rules then something would happen. So to keep my anxiety in check I just follow the rules, maybe one day my OCD and anxieties will chill though I don’t see that coming any day too soon.