It’s been too long since I’ve been here to post anything, just been busy with this thing called life and speaking of such life I must pause a moment in one we lost most recently, one who held my teen years hostage in his songs, Prince. Whether you liked him or not no matter but it was still a life lost.
Anyways, as I had mentioned it’s been a long time since I’ve come here to post and I totally missed posting on here during April, Autism Awareness Month and I’m a bit bummed about that as I had plans to post more awareness for females on the spectrum but I know I can always post so I’m not that bummed about that. There still needs to be more awareness about females on the spectrum so that girls aren’t left behind as I was. I didn’t know until I was 42 that I had Asperger’s Syndrome. Had I known or even my mom known when I was a girl in elementary school maybe I could’ve had more help towards my emotions, moods, anxieties and phobias. Course my mom had me evaluated and tested back when I was in 3rd grade in the early 80’s, they told my mom I was just a little slow and had some learning difficulties in the area of math, some speech problems, memory issues and difficulties understanding of sarcasms and idioms where I took them literally. I had help in math up until 10th grade as I didn’t require any more credits in math and I had speech up until 8th grade. I was so embarrassed to be in those classes and afraid that other students would find out and I would be laughed at, though no one ever found out thankfully.
Coming here to voice my opinions and tell my life story helps in some ways, though not completely as I have deep, very deep wounds from my parents and how I was raised. I never got “beatings” but let’s say words cut deeper than any spanking and they last forever. I think so much about those words all the time especially during certain times.
Lastly, I’ve learned that getting older stinks! Ok, until next time which I hope I won’t take forever to return to bore you with a little humor, maybe dry at times but I hope not. Good day 😉
Today in my therapy session, ok so yea I need therapy to help me cope with my perceptions, anxieties, moods, some anger and my sometimes overwhelming meltdowns (the ones where I harm myself, I’ve wrote about this before in another post but briefly to touch on it I do on occasion harm myself during an intense meltdown. Say for instance if I got extremely upset or angered about something missing and not finding it where I had it after awhile of searching or a small disagreement with my husband I will get a handful of my hair all the way to the root and pull hard, not out but hard and then mess up my hair, scream harshly while open handed hit my head on both sides and sometimes I will also scratch my face from my forehead to down my neck…all while standing then after I will sit and cry while rocking).
So today while the therapist and I were talking she had begun to tell me that being an aspie I appear to have it all together than some but I began to get a little emotional and she asked what’s wrong I told her that actually it’s just what it appears to be though, sure I get that others are more different than myself, all of us aspies are very different and even each person is different as well…if we were all alike this world would be very boring, that’s my look on it anyways! But, I said that even though it appears that I have it all together I really don’t I just make it look like I do.
Have you ever seen a little comic/cartoon drawing of a door, on one side there’s a small scribble then the door and on the other side of the door a huge dark messy scribble…small one says “this is what I say” and the big one says “this is what I want to say”?? That’s me always! I never say 99.9% of what I really want to say, never have and most likely never will.
So, do I have it all together?? No but that’s in my eyes only apparently.
Going on a family vacation should be a relaxing time, not for my family…I mean part of it will be relaxing, maybe when everyone is in bed asleep lol, no but close. We do intend to have fun though, which is why I’m telling y’all about it…I may not be posting until we get back and due to people talking about not posting when you are leaving and bad people breaking in to others stealing which here we are lucky to have great neighbors who are nosey and tote plenty of ammo and guns.
But getting back to my topic, an aspie is never really on vacation when actually on a vacation because we still have our fears, sensory difficulties, anxieties, meltdowns and introvertedness.
There will be many obstacles, many which will be food issues with my youngest (who is 11 years old). There isn’t much he will eat and it’s already difficult enough here at home so going to a different state, that may have some places he will eat, will be a tough challenge.
Lord please give me the extra patience I will need for this family vacation and not be like the “Grizzwalds” lol.
Sometimes I really need a break, get away from the things that are so overwhelming, get away from getting sensory overload but there’s no where to run though sometimes I can escape when I go to the bathroom or take a shower but that’s all.
I’d like to just take off alone but my anxiety halts me, either one of my kids or my husband goes with me. I never go anywhere alone but at the same time I wish I could be alone though I know I won’t or can’t because I’m trapped inside myself.
There are days where I think I can do this alone but that’s all just in thought.
I’m too socially awkward or “shy” to go places alone, must have a “buffer” person.
Anxieties are my demon, straight up witch that has such a hold on my life and makes me feel as though I have no where to run. Ugh…
While I see many people enjoy going out and being surrounded by others there’s just no way I would enjoy doing that. A crowd makes me sweat and super nervous!
Hell being on the phone with a strange person makes my brain jiggle like jello, forget answering a straight answer without jumbling up my words and feel like a rushed turtle sweating bullets to make it across the line before that damn rabbit!!
I totally give myself away in public, look like a nervous Nelly or maybe someone whose a crack addict or one who is in the process of stealing…I know, how do I know what those kind of people act like well I love the show Intervention on a&e and I use to work in security (long time ago, was the perfect job for someone like me..work night shift and almost a skeleton crew).
I’m happiest at home being with my family and fur babies. We eat out but during calm, slow, before the hungry crowds…OK so usually around 4ish or we get it to go.
We do enjoy going to the movies and the last one we, husband and I, saw was San Andreas though it was the middle of the day and we we’re the only 2 there watching!
I see movies and shows of couples throwing such lovely parties, girl parties, bbq’s, etc…how I would love to do those but only deep down, I know I would never because any more than just us is too much for me to handle.
For me home is my comfort, hmm, OK well I’m sure it is for anyone but for some it’s the ultimate, don’t go anywhere comfort place. Well not that I don’t go anywhere because I do, out of no choice, but if I had it MY way I’d never leave home.
I’m a big introvert, though didn’t realize it until I was in my teens. Never cared for parties, didn’t care to go many places unless it was necessary and didn’t care to be around a ton of people, the mall wasn’t my thing either…whoa, I know like the mall is everything to a teen, yea, not me.
Being home around “familiars”, smells, people, things, foods, perfect lighting, perfect sounds, etc…
Yea, so what brought this on is I’ve gotta go to one of the worst places for me…Walmart…ho-hum. Don’t people work anymore, geez, I mean there can’t be THAT many people who are stay at home moms/dads, I know it’s summer break from school and kids are out but c’mon people take them to the library, movies, play ground not Walmart. Surely there’s not that many out on vacation and have to go to Walmart.
Ugh…just gonna have to work my way up to going. Lovely day huh. Oh geez….