It’s been too long since I’ve been here to post anything, just been busy with this thing called life and speaking of such life I must pause a moment in one we lost most recently, one who held my teen years hostage in his songs, Prince. Whether you liked him or not no matter but it was still a life lost.
Anyways, as I had mentioned it’s been a long time since I’ve come here to post and I totally missed posting on here during April, Autism Awareness Month and I’m a bit bummed about that as I had plans to post more awareness for females on the spectrum but I know I can always post so I’m not that bummed about that. There still needs to be more awareness about females on the spectrum so that girls aren’t left behind as I was. I didn’t know until I was 42 that I had Asperger’s Syndrome. Had I known or even my mom known when I was a girl in elementary school maybe I could’ve had more help towards my emotions, moods, anxieties and phobias. Course my mom had me evaluated and tested back when I was in 3rd grade in the early 80’s, they told my mom I was just a little slow and had some learning difficulties in the area of math, some speech problems, memory issues and difficulties understanding of sarcasms and idioms where I took them literally. I had help in math up until 10th grade as I didn’t require any more credits in math and I had speech up until 8th grade. I was so embarrassed to be in those classes and afraid that other students would find out and I would be laughed at, though no one ever found out thankfully.
Coming here to voice my opinions and tell my life story helps in some ways, though not completely as I have deep, very deep wounds from my parents and how I was raised. I never got “beatings” but let’s say words cut deeper than any spanking and they last forever. I think so much about those words all the time especially during certain times.
Lastly, I’ve learned that getting older stinks! Ok, until next time which I hope I won’t take forever to return to bore you with a little humor, maybe dry at times but I hope not. Good day 😉
Today in my therapy session, ok so yea I need therapy to help me cope with my perceptions, anxieties, moods, some anger and my sometimes overwhelming meltdowns (the ones where I harm myself, I’ve wrote about this before in another post but briefly to touch on it I do on occasion harm myself during an intense meltdown. Say for instance if I got extremely upset or angered about something missing and not finding it where I had it after awhile of searching or a small disagreement with my husband I will get a handful of my hair all the way to the root and pull hard, not out but hard and then mess up my hair, scream harshly while open handed hit my head on both sides and sometimes I will also scratch my face from my forehead to down my neck…all while standing then after I will sit and cry while rocking).
So today while the therapist and I were talking she had begun to tell me that being an aspie I appear to have it all together than some but I began to get a little emotional and she asked what’s wrong I told her that actually it’s just what it appears to be though, sure I get that others are more different than myself, all of us aspies are very different and even each person is different as well…if we were all alike this world would be very boring, that’s my look on it anyways! But, I said that even though it appears that I have it all together I really don’t I just make it look like I do.
Have you ever seen a little comic/cartoon drawing of a door, on one side there’s a small scribble then the door and on the other side of the door a huge dark messy scribble…small one says “this is what I say” and the big one says “this is what I want to say”?? That’s me always! I never say 99.9% of what I really want to say, never have and most likely never will.
So, do I have it all together?? No but that’s in my eyes only apparently.
All my life, well as far back as I can remember, I’ve always worried about something. Actually my mom and many others who’ve took notice to it have always said I was a worry wart, thought I’ve always took that as a sort of “name calling” and kind of stung my feelers in a round about way which now looking back my aspieness had a play in that but I didn’t know that then.
I pretty much worry about everything, if you can think of it well I worry about that. I’m pretty certain that my worrying has a huge part in my panic attacks and at times it can be pretty bad so much so that it’s hard to breathe, I begin to sweat and sometimes I will sweat until the situation I’m in and worrying about is over and I’m out of the situation, I’ll have the nervous shakes and get that fight or flight going on in my mind and body.
I do go to therapy every week, she wants me to do breathing exercises and some other things but when your in a big panic and completely worried about something at that moment I’m not going to remember crap other than get out of the situation! I must say just before my attack gets so bad I do try some breathing but the more the situation gets bigger or out of hand the worse I get. Eventually I hope that some techniques will help but it’s going to take many many times using them before it clicks with me.
You know many people see their diagnosis as being labelled and they hate it but for me being diagnosed at 42 (2014) I actually welcome it though I’m still learning even though my boys were diagnosed with Asperger’s and others and I’ve learned about them but it’s different when it’s yourself. I wish I had been diagnosed as a child I would have begun some therapy then but back when I was a child they just called it being slow and learning disabilities, no therapy, just some services in school and that was it even though Asperger’s was already in the books but no one knew about it because it wasn’t well known as it is now but it was widely known that it was just boys but it is now known to be girl’s as well.
For now I’m ok with my diagnoses but wish it wasn’t so difficult some times.
Some may understand, mostly other aspies and parents of aspies, how much we love comfort and sameness. It can be anything, from foods to movies to things you touch or hold or maybe a combination of several things. For myself it’s a combination of many things of different foods, certain movies and certain kinds of fabrics.
My food comforts, some are ones I will cook at home but some are ones I must go get from a restaurant (umm, NOT McD’s yack!). The ones I cook myself are: Spaghetti, Meatloaf, Roast, good southern food which mostly is greens and beans with cornbread and those are just my comfort ones. I cook more than just those, those are just the ones I could eat more than once or twice and not be sick of them. The ones from restaurants are: Chicken Chimi’s from our local Mexican place, General Sao’s chicken, Fried Rice and Pizza.
The movies I could watch a million times and still love them and not be bored or sick of them are well mostly from the 80’s and 90’s, yea I know but I was born in the 70’s and in the 80’s was my teen years so go figure on that one. Course that’s not to say I don’t like/love movies from a different time or these days. I generally love comedy but I sometimes go through a stage where I want drama or scary movies, action and adventure are iffy but will watch them from time to time and fantasy takes me to a different place, kinda makes me feel like I should be there..yea I know strange but hey that’s just me.
Things I love to feel and hold are fabrics that are so soft or satiny feeling, I could hold or sleep with all day or night. Like right now I have brown satin sheets on my bed, feels so nice and soft I run my hands and arms all over the smooth surface feels so soft, like if I were to touch a cloud that’s how I imagine it feeling. The satiny softness eases my nerves, helps me relax and calms me so I rest easier at night. There are other fabrics I enjoy touching too and sometimes I have found that I have this thing when I’m shopping if something even looks soft I will touch it, more like I need to touch it.
Like I say not many will get this, mostly other aspies and parents of aspies will understand. And these things I need daily in my life to help me when I’m stressed or my senses are out of whack or maybe my anxiety is near panic mode many of these help me.
Ya know some people ask me, if knowing that you have Asperger’s now is better than had you known all your life since childhood??? My answer is this, I’m 42 and just diagnosed back in January, even though I wasn’t diagnosed in my childhood years makes no difference now because I’ve always known I was odd and different from other girls.
Then too, back when I was a child Asperger’s was not talked about, doctors wasn’t as informed, teachers had no idea and of course parents as well as everyone else thought we were spoiled brats, strange, mentally challenged and out of control at times. Though Asperger’s has been around a long time, just not well known as it is today and even now for females with Asperger’s it’s still not well known…yet!
I got therapy back when I was a child but only through the school system, nothing outside of that.
These days I do see a counselor, she helps me realize things I need help understanding, helps me understand my meltdowns as sometimes it can be big nasty ones where I do some self harm (sometimes if my meltdowns are big I may open hand smack my head, scratch my arms, throw objects, hit the wall, etc…) and she helps me with every day issues.
Knowing what I know now, hmm, well put it this way can’t change it and it’s not going to disappear or go away so might as well learn and grow from it, pass on what you know to let others know that Asperger’s isn’t just for boys, girls can have it too and that’s what I know now.