Meltdowns, dislike!

I don’t know what it’s like for others on the spectrum but I assume that maybe it’s pretty much the same when a meltdown ensues.
I dislike them very much, course I can’t imagine who would like or enjoy them because they are so awful, frightening, hurtful, self harming, unwanted, without warning and scary.

When I have a meltdown I can be 1)Angry or 2)Emotional…I dislike both but if I had a preference it would be emotional. When I have an “angry” meltdown I usually do some self harm (scratch my arms, face or head, mess my hair up while pulling my hair, then open hand smack my head) so I don’t like that, it scares me after and hate for my husband to witness so I usually turn away from him or go in another room while screaming/yelling.

I just had a meltdown and it was because I couldn’t find something. Thats what happens with me. Then afterwards I feel drained and hurt that I acted in such a way. Dislike.