Summer Break

Well time to put all school supplies up and break out the flip flops, beach towels and walking shoes, time for family vacation!

Reservation made, itineraries plotted, but spray to get and almost time to pack for the coast of GA! So looking forward to our little trip, even the boys are excited to explore a new destination. I just hope the weather will be good, at least in the day time as that will be when we will explore, take lots of photos and go to the beaches.

Hope everyone has a wonderful summer and congratulations to all 2017 graduates!!

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Just don’t….

Don’t over crowd me, don’t get too close, don’t close me in or back me in a corner, don’t trap me into a long conversation or press me too hard about anything or try to get me to go somewhere I don’t want to go, don’t answer for me unless I ask you to do so, don’t waste my time, don’t bug my last nerve, don’t chew with your mouth open and don’t smack your lips, don’t be a dick/witch to me, don’t assume I’m done talking because I pause a moment, don’t think I’m stupid because I am unable to do something you are able to do, don’t think I want your pitty when I open up to you and tell you my dx’s, don’t lie to me, don’t be a shit/fake friend, don’t talk politics or religion and don’t judge me.

Problems with the Sleepless Brain…

I guess I want to say that the first time I ever remember of my brains ramblings I was maybe 10 and the first time I noticed the pattern of its ramblings keeping me from slumber I guess I was about 20 years old.

When I was about 22 I was dx’d with clinical depression, really was not expecting that diagnosis as it didn’t seem to fit but I went along with it why not I figure the medical field people know more than myself and even though they put me on some medication it never seemed right, never felt any results because my brain was still full of thoughts, racing at best and there was no stopping. Sleep seemed seldom.

Before I had my kids I was staying up until near 3am and maybe sleeping about 4 hours a night if that as my brain just won’t quit thinking.

Starting to think maybe I did my best thinking when I should be resting, funny but not as I’d love to sleep.

Seems now that I’ve had my kids I think twice as much as I did before them. When they were little they kept me pretty preoccupied even though my brain didn’t slow down none but I would say it would pause during certain moments of the day but never at night…ugh.

Today I have several dx’s: Asperger’s, Bipolar 1, OCD, PTSD and Anxiety Disorders. Not happy about them but through therapy I understand why and how several came to be and a few are genetic unfortunately.

The many thoughts that race through are things I should’ve done or said, sad things, things from the past or of the future, pets, home, car, people, shows and movies, food or what to cook next, my boys and their schools, my husband and his family or my parents and other family, etc…

Its never just one thing, it’s multiple and always, always constant when one races through 10 more come in nothing ever leaves and always worse at night!

I just wanna sleep without my brain thinking so much. Grrr…

Still here…

I know I’ve been MIA for a good while, just haven’t had the words at the tip of my fingers lately though I’ve wanted and tried many times to gather my thoughts but they are just running so wildly like a kid without their ADHD medication though I wonder if maybe that could be what I need to keep my thoughts from running so out of control so that maybe I could freely think on one thing at a time.

In the time that I have been gone I’ve come to realize that I’m a bit complicated, can’t believe I’m saying this but I do believe my dx of Bipolar is correct though yes I am an aspie and I’ve come to the realization that the two can co-exist and I’m fine with that. Thing is though is other people, I don’t think they are ok with anyone who are different from the “norm”, who have “issues” and real problems. It’s unfortunate for them, sure I am different and yes I am odd and weird as well as have some complicated issues to deal with on a daily basis but doesn’t mean I don’t have real feelings or that I don’t feel the same as anyone else. I wish I could walk away from some of the things that hurt or bother me but it’s never a simple thing and never will be.

So, I’m still here and I’ll post again soon.

Toodles!

Been TOO long….

It’s been too long since I’ve been here to post anything, just been busy with this thing called life and speaking of such life I must pause a moment in one we lost most recently, one who held my teen years hostage in his songs, Prince. Whether you liked him or not no matter but it was still a life lost.

— Pause—

Anyways, as I had mentioned it’s been a long time since I’ve come here to post and I totally missed posting on here during April, Autism Awareness Month and I’m a bit bummed about that as I had plans to post more awareness for females on the spectrum but I know I can always post so I’m not that bummed about that. There still needs to be more awareness about females on the spectrum so that girls aren’t left behind as I was. I didn’t know until I was 42 that I had Asperger’s Syndrome. Had I known or even my mom known when I was a girl in elementary school maybe I could’ve had more help towards my emotions, moods, anxieties and phobias. Course my mom had me evaluated and tested back when I was in 3rd grade in the early 80’s, they told my mom I was just a little slow and had some learning difficulties in the area of math, some speech problems, memory issues and difficulties understanding of sarcasms and idioms where I took them literally. I had help in math up until 10th grade as I didn’t require any more credits in math and I had speech up until 8th grade. I was so embarrassed to be in those classes and afraid that other students would find out and I would be laughed at, though no one ever found out thankfully.

Coming here to voice my opinions and tell my life story helps in some ways, though not completely as I have deep, very deep wounds from my parents and how I was raised. I never got “beatings” but let’s say words cut deeper than any spanking and they last forever. I think so much about those words all the time especially during certain times.

Lastly, I’ve learned that getting older stinks! Ok, until next time which I hope I won’t take forever to return to bore you with a little humor, maybe dry at times but I hope not. Good day Ā šŸ˜‰

 

Comforts I love and need!

Some may understand, mostly other aspies and parents of aspies, how much we love comfort and sameness. It can be anything, from foods to movies to things you touch or hold or maybe a combination of several things. For myself it’s a combination of many things of different foods, certain movies and certain kinds of fabrics.

My food comforts, some are ones I will cook at home but some are ones I must go get from a restaurant (umm, NOT McD’s yack!). The ones I cook myself are: Spaghetti, Meatloaf, Roast, good southern food which mostly is greens and beans with cornbreadĀ and those are just my comfort ones. I cook more than just those, those are just the ones I could eat more than once or twice and not be sick of them. The ones from restaurants are: Chicken Chimi’s from our local Mexican place, General Sao’s chicken, Fried Rice and Pizza.

The movies I could watch a million times and still love them and not be bored or sick of them are well mostly from the 80’s and 90’s, yea I know but I was born in the 70’s and in the 80’s was my teen years so go figure on that one. Course that’s not to say I don’t like/love movies from a different time or these days. I generally love comedy but I sometimes go through a stage where I want drama or scary movies, action and adventure are iffy but will watch them from time to time and fantasy takes me to a different place, kinda makes me feel like I should be there..yea I know strange but hey that’s just me.

Things I love to feel and hold are fabrics that are so soft or satiny feeling, I could hold or sleep with all day or night. Like right now I have brown satin sheets on my bed, feels so nice and soft I run my hands and arms all over the smooth surface feels so soft, like if I were to touch a cloud that’s how I imagine it feeling. The satiny softness eases my nerves, helps me relax and calms me so I rest easier at night. There are other fabrics I enjoy touching too and sometimes I have found that I have this thing when I’m shopping if something even looks soft I will touch it, more like I need to touch it.

Like I say not many will get this, mostly other aspies and parents of aspies will understand. And these things I need daily in my life to help me when I’m stressed or my senses are out of whack or maybe my anxiety is near panic mode many of these help me.

Passions, likes, loves and addictions!

We all have things that we enjoy, like doing, items that are our favorites, movies we love, food we like and some have addictions to their passions but for us aspies its much stronger and not easily to move past or go to another activity. It’s almost like being in school really, we study our passions, likes and loves so much so that we know the names of every person who created it or know just how it was made down to the last small detail and know how to modify it better or know the entire collection and can name them from memory with just one glance.

Since my boys were dx’d (diagnose, diagnosed, diagnosis) at 4 1/2 and 3 I’ve learned all there is about Star Wars, something I thought I knew about more than my oldest since it came out when I was a little girl but he has “studied” it closely since he was 2 as well as Lego’s, which I think my feet and knees know more about pain than playing or as my oldest would say “it’s not playing it’s constructing”. Then there is his, my oldest, most favorite activity drawing and he has been doing that since he could hold a crayon! At first it was just stick people, odd looking stick people and when he started school you would see all these scribbles and odd looking stick people on his papers, well not just in one little spot or location but ALL over along the edges of the papers though I have to say he did learn too and oddly enough his teachers didn’t mind all that much.

Now my youngest, he was never really “hooked” on anything like his brother was but when he learned to read he learned to really enjoy his books. He really loves science and history, he really retains what he has learned in class and brings it home which he will continue to talk about for weeks if not months about it. When he was dx’d at 3 he just started talking but you couldn’t understand a word he was saying and now he talks nonstop, I love hearing him talk about his passions because there was a time I didn’t understand him and now its just wonderful. He is dx’d with Autism and Asperger’s because he showed sign’s for the “classic Autism” per the DSMIV (at the time, before DSMV came out) but didn’t fit in all the “boxes” for a full Autism dx.

As far as myself goes, yea I know shocker but if you read my profile and other posts you’d know I am an aspie too. Course I wasn’t dx’d until I was 42, only a year ago, but I’ve always known I was different from the rest of my peers, that something was different with me but I couldn’t understand why I was, I just knew I was. My passions, likes, loves and addictions are different, though I think that maybe all us aspies passions, likes, loves and addictions are different. As I’ve said to my kids and others before, “if we were the same we would be boring, but we are different and that makes us interesting”, whether others or well NT’s see it that way or maybe they think we are boring that’s their loss.

I love researching, usually anything really but more for my family history and other history throughout time. My husband says I have an addiction to stationary, ok so maybe I do, I love good pens and paper or notebooks and I’m constantly putting things in ABC order! I love the smell of old homes, for some reason it feels like I had been there once before long ago but I wasn’t.

I kinda feel as though maybe I got off topic in a few spots here and there but that’s just how my mind works, hard to concentrate on the same thing for me but I don’t know maybe it will help in some form for another mom who is seeking comfort in knowing shes not alone on her journey or help a teen think more that “so what” if they are different, different is good and boring is bad. On to more female aspie awareness.