Just don’t….

Don’t over crowd me, don’t get too close, don’t close me in or back me in a corner, don’t trap me into a long conversation or press me too hard about anything or try to get me to go somewhere I don’t want to go, don’t answer for me unless I ask you to do so, don’t waste my time, don’t bug my last nerve, don’t chew with your mouth open and don’t smack your lips, don’t be a dick/witch to me, don’t assume I’m done talking because I pause a moment, don’t think I’m stupid because I am unable to do something you are able to do, don’t think I want your pitty when I open up to you and tell you my dx’s, don’t lie to me, don’t be a shit/fake friend, don’t talk politics or religion and don’t judge me.

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Still here…

I know I’ve been MIA for a good while, just haven’t had the words at the tip of my fingers lately though I’ve wanted and tried many times to gather my thoughts but they are just running so wildly like a kid without their ADHD medication though I wonder if maybe that could be what I need to keep my thoughts from running so out of control so that maybe I could freely think on one thing at a time.

In the time that I have been gone I’ve come to realize that I’m a bit complicated, can’t believe I’m saying this but I do believe my dx of Bipolar is correct though yes I am an aspie and I’ve come to the realization that the two can co-exist and I’m fine with that. Thing is though is other people, I don’t think they are ok with anyone who are different from the “norm”, who have “issues” and real problems. It’s unfortunate for them, sure I am different and yes I am odd and weird as well as have some complicated issues to deal with on a daily basis but doesn’t mean I don’t have real feelings or that I don’t feel the same as anyone else. I wish I could walk away from some of the things that hurt or bother me but it’s never a simple thing and never will be.

So, I’m still here and I’ll post again soon.

Toodles!

Been TOO long….

It’s been too long since I’ve been here to post anything, just been busy with this thing called life and speaking of such life I must pause a moment in one we lost most recently, one who held my teen years hostage in his songs, Prince. Whether you liked him or not no matter but it was still a life lost.

— Pause—

Anyways, as I had mentioned it’s been a long time since I’ve come here to post and I totally missed posting on here during April, Autism Awareness Month and I’m a bit bummed about that as I had plans to post more awareness for females on the spectrum but I know I can always post so I’m not that bummed about that. There still needs to be more awareness about females on the spectrum so that girls aren’t left behind as I was. I didn’t know until I was 42 that I had Asperger’s Syndrome. Had I known or even my mom known when I was a girl in elementary school maybe I could’ve had more help towards my emotions, moods, anxieties and phobias. Course my mom had me evaluated and tested back when I was in 3rd grade in the early 80’s, they told my mom I was just a little slow and had some learning difficulties in the area of math, some speech problems, memory issues and difficulties understanding of sarcasms and idioms where I took them literally. I had help in math up until 10th grade as I didn’t require any more credits in math and I had speech up until 8th grade. I was so embarrassed to be in those classes and afraid that other students would find out and I would be laughed at, though no one ever found out thankfully.

Coming here to voice my opinions and tell my life story helps in some ways, though not completely as I have deep, very deep wounds from my parents and how I was raised. I never got “beatings” but let’s say words cut deeper than any spanking and they last forever. I think so much about those words all the time especially during certain times.

Lastly, I’ve learned that getting older stinks! Ok, until next time which I hope I won’t take forever to return to bore you with a little humor, maybe dry at times but I hope not. Good day  😉

 

Always Overthinking….

One of the many things that people with Asperger’s do is overthink things, sometimes over analyze until we worry so much that our anxieties take over, even though sometimes it makes us have panic attacks sometimes we are right about what we fear or worry over. If others would only but listen to us more than trying to always tell us to “calm down”. For me the only way to calm me is for others to listen to me and that’s one reason I see a therapist.

So that being said I have something that is presently bothering me and kind of “overthinking” some. My youngest, he is 11 and he was dx’d (diagnosed) at age 3 with Asperger’s, Anxiety, OCD, Tremors, TICS, ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorders, Petit Mal Seizures. He is considered low to middle on the ASD scale. He didn’t talk until he was near 3 but it was all gibberish, nothing was understandable and if he wanted anything he would point and grunt. He had all the signs of “Classic Autism” but because he could do certain things and could learn they diagnosed him with Asperger’s.

Once he was dx’d with Petit Mal Seizures we started seeing a Neurologist which dx’d his tremors as Simple Tremors, if you google it you’ll see why I think about it so much. He’s had the Tremors since birth and they’re getting worse as he ages. They’re so bad he can’t write, holding a cup without a lid can be very messy for him, brushing his teeth is difficult for him so we help him with that, doing any small task is extremely difficult. He gets services at school, he uses a laptop when he needs to write they have a program on the laptop for him. He does pretty good in school, though he has had his moments which I’ll post about another time.

Here is what I keep overthinking about with his Tremors. What is the likely hood that it could be an early onset of MS or Parkinson’s. There’s no one in the family, that we know of, that has either but that doesn’t mean it can’t just start. My husband keeps trying to say no way, says that he has tremors but they are not the same no where near the same. I’m sure he is trying to ease my mind but really it doesn’t. I try hard not to think of this.

I really hate this overthinking.

Worry Wart…oh dear

All my life, well as far back as I can remember, I’ve always worried about something. Actually my mom and many others who’ve took notice to it have always said I was a worry wart, thought I’ve always took that as a sort of “name calling” and kind of stung my feelers in a round about way which now looking back my aspieness had a play in that but I didn’t know that then.

I pretty much worry about everything, if you can think of it well I worry about that. I’m pretty certain that my worrying has a huge part in my panic attacks and at times it can be pretty bad so much so that it’s hard to breathe, I begin to sweat and sometimes I will sweat until the situation I’m in and worrying about is over and I’m out of the situation, I’ll have the nervous shakes and get that fight or flight going on in my mind and body.

I do go to therapy every week, she wants me to do breathing exercises and some other things but when your in a big panic and completely worried about something at that moment I’m not going to remember crap other than get out of the situation! I must say just before my attack gets so bad I do try some breathing but the more the situation gets bigger or out of hand the worse I get. Eventually I hope that some techniques will help but it’s going to take many many times using them before it clicks with me.

You know many people see their diagnosis as being labelled and they hate it but for me being diagnosed at 42 (2014) I actually welcome it though I’m still learning even though my boys were diagnosed with Asperger’s and others and I’ve learned about them but it’s different when it’s yourself. I wish I had been diagnosed as a child I would have begun some therapy then but back when I was a child they just called it being slow and learning disabilities, no therapy, just some services in school and that was it even though Asperger’s was already in the books but no one knew about it because it wasn’t well known as it is now but it was widely known that it was just boys but it is now known to be girl’s as well.

For now I’m ok with my diagnoses but wish it wasn’t so difficult some times.