Problems with the Sleepless Brain…

I guess I want to say that the first time I ever remember of my brains ramblings I was maybe 10 and the first time I noticed the pattern of its ramblings keeping me from slumber I guess I was about 20 years old.

When I was about 22 I was dx’d with clinical depression, really was not expecting that diagnosis as it didn’t seem to fit but I went along with it why not I figure the medical field people know more than myself and even though they put me on some medication it never seemed right, never felt any results because my brain was still full of thoughts, racing at best and there was no stopping. Sleep seemed seldom.

Before I had my kids I was staying up until near 3am and maybe sleeping about 4 hours a night if that as my brain just won’t quit thinking.

Starting to think maybe I did my best thinking when I should be resting, funny but not as I’d love to sleep.

Seems now that I’ve had my kids I think twice as much as I did before them. When they were little they kept me pretty preoccupied even though my brain didn’t slow down none but I would say it would pause during certain moments of the day but never at night…ugh.

Today I have several dx’s: Asperger’s, Bipolar 1, OCD, PTSD and Anxiety Disorders. Not happy about them but through therapy I understand why and how several came to be and a few are genetic unfortunately.

The many thoughts that race through are things I should’ve done or said, sad things, things from the past or of the future, pets, home, car, people, shows and movies, food or what to cook next, my boys and their schools, my husband and his family or my parents and other family, etc…

Its never just one thing, it’s multiple and always, always constant when one races through 10 more come in nothing ever leaves and always worse at night!

I just wanna sleep without my brain thinking so much. Grrr…

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Still here…

I know I’ve been MIA for a good while, just haven’t had the words at the tip of my fingers lately though I’ve wanted and tried many times to gather my thoughts but they are just running so wildly like a kid without their ADHD medication though I wonder if maybe that could be what I need to keep my thoughts from running so out of control so that maybe I could freely think on one thing at a time.

In the time that I have been gone I’ve come to realize that I’m a bit complicated, can’t believe I’m saying this but I do believe my dx of Bipolar is correct though yes I am an aspie and I’ve come to the realization that the two can co-exist and I’m fine with that. Thing is though is other people, I don’t think they are ok with anyone who are different from the “norm”, who have “issues” and real problems. It’s unfortunate for them, sure I am different and yes I am odd and weird as well as have some complicated issues to deal with on a daily basis but doesn’t mean I don’t have real feelings or that I don’t feel the same as anyone else. I wish I could walk away from some of the things that hurt or bother me but it’s never a simple thing and never will be.

So, I’m still here and I’ll post again soon.

Toodles!