My Introverted World…

While I see many people enjoy going out and being surrounded by others there’s just no way I would enjoy doing that. A crowd makes me sweat and super nervous!
Hell being on the phone with a strange person makes my brain jiggle like jello, forget answering a straight answer without jumbling up my words and feel like a rushed turtle sweating bullets to make it across the line before that damn rabbit!!

I totally give myself away in public, look like a nervous Nelly or maybe someone whose a crack addict or one who is in the process of stealing…I know, how do I know what those kind of people act like well I love the show Intervention on a&e and I use to work in security (long time ago, was the perfect job for someone like me..work night shift and almost a skeleton crew).

I’m happiest at home being with my family and fur babies. We eat out but during calm, slow, before the hungry crowds…OK so usually around 4ish or we get it to go.
We do enjoy going to the movies and the last one we, husband and I, saw was San Andreas though it was the middle of the day and we we’re the only 2 there watching!

I see movies and shows of couples throwing such lovely parties, girl parties, bbq’s, etc…how I would love to do those but only deep down, I know I would never because any more than just us is too much for me to handle.

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When I was a little girl…

I was always odd, weird, silent, never bothered a soul, played just fine alone, knew how to read before I could write and yet numbers messed with my head. I didn’t like to be teased, easily got my feelings hurt, easily angered, quick tempered, certain foods were nasty, didn’t and still don’t like gooey, sticky stuff on my hands and the worst was I couldn’t take a joke, well these days some times I still can’t or it’s just hard for me to “get it” right away. Some say I’m emotional, others have said I’m too serious.

Had Barbies, dolls, stuffed animals, coloring books (which I do still love) but I also had cars, trucks, guns (you know those cowboy guns that you put these little red paper rolls in the gun, cap guns…maybe you’re a bit young for those or you might be my age and remember), yea I had a combo of things I liked growing up.

When it came time for school I pretty much watched how the other girls did things, the way they talked, moved, did their hair, be with friends, what they laughed at and I mimicked them because I didn’t know how to be.

Here’s a great memory from middle school. So there was a boy I kinda liked, I had no idea how to do or act. He had funky, spike hair which I thought was cool (OK so this was the 80’s) and I thought I would do my hair like his…thing is I had medium length hair he didn’t. Every morning I would put enough mousse, gel and hair spray to catch birds and they would get stuck! Then I would scrunch all my hair up making some stick up…looking back I know I looked awful but back then I thought it was awesome and I don’t recall anyone ever laughing, well it’s good that I don’t know. But it didn’t work anyways…I know better now.

Another lovely memory, one not many know outside my family. This was mid-80’s, my mom worked with Coca-cola (she retired in 06 after 30+ years) and they always had coke night at six-flags over GA which was pretty cool, we got in for free, had a huge feast and enjoy the whole park all day. Well, I didn’t care to ride the big scary coasters, didn’t like the crowds, didn’t like the games, didn’t like the costumes…actually didn’t like to do a whole lot and many scared me but the one thing that they did do that absolutely terrified me the most and Everyone else seemed to really enjoy…the fireworks! Near closing time they always did fireworks. I don’t know if anyone had seen me, I really didn’t care though, all I wanted was it to stop. This is me as soon as they started: imagine if you will a 10-12 year old girl crouching, covering her ears, screaming and running around as if she were in a combat zone in the middle of a war! I don’t do that now but I do stay a far, far, far far, far distance.

Early on in my childhood I also gained a healthy respect for storms. When I knew they were headed my way I would build a fort and hide, at night I hid under my covers no matter how hot in the summer too! These days I don’t build forts or hide under my covers but my anxiety takes the place of them.

A lot of these I’ve seen in my boys like covering their ears, storms are issues, etc…but not once did it ever dawn on me that I was the same until I was diagnosed Asperger’s, anxieties, OCD and Bipolar (which I believe that one is not right).

Thats all I got to say about that…for now that is.

Knowing what I know now…

Ya know some people ask me, if knowing  that you have Asperger’s now is better than had you known all your life since childhood??? My answer is this, I’m 42 and just diagnosed back in January, even though I wasn’t diagnosed in my childhood years makes no difference now because I’ve always known I was odd and different from other girls.

Then too, back when I was a child Asperger’s was not talked about, doctors wasn’t as informed, teachers had no idea and of course parents as well as everyone else thought we were spoiled brats, strange, mentally challenged and out of control at times. Though Asperger’s has been around a long time, just not well known as it is today and even now for females with Asperger’s it’s still not well known…yet!

I got therapy back when I was a child but only through the school system, nothing outside of that.
These days I do see a counselor, she helps me realize things I need help understanding, helps me understand my meltdowns as sometimes it can be big nasty ones where I do some self harm (sometimes if my meltdowns are big I may open hand smack my head, scratch my arms, throw objects, hit the wall, etc…) and she helps me with every day issues.

Knowing what I know now, hmm, well put it this way can’t change it and it’s not going to disappear or go away so might as well learn and grow from it, pass on what you know to let others know that Asperger’s isn’t just for boys, girls can have it too and that’s what I know now.