Been TOO long….

It’s been too long since I’ve been here to post anything, just been busy with this thing called life and speaking of such life I must pause a moment in one we lost most recently, one who held my teen years hostage in his songs, Prince. Whether you liked him or not no matter but it was still a life lost.

— Pause—

Anyways, as I had mentioned it’s been a long time since I’ve come here to post and I totally missed posting on here during April, Autism Awareness Month and I’m a bit bummed about that as I had plans to post more awareness for females on the spectrum but I know I can always post so I’m not that bummed about that. There still needs to be more awareness about females on the spectrum so that girls aren’t left behind as I was. I didn’t know until I was 42 that I had Asperger’s Syndrome. Had I known or even my mom known when I was a girl in elementary school maybe I could’ve had more help towards my emotions, moods, anxieties and phobias. Course my mom had me evaluated and tested back when I was in 3rd grade in the early 80’s, they told my mom I was just a little slow and had some learning difficulties in the area of math, some speech problems, memory issues and difficulties understanding of sarcasms and idioms where I took them literally. I had help in math up until 10th grade as I didn’t require any more credits in math and I had speech up until 8th grade. I was so embarrassed to be in those classes and afraid that other students would find out and I would be laughed at, though no one ever found out thankfully.

Coming here to voice my opinions and tell my life story helps in some ways, though not completely as I have deep, very deep wounds from my parents and how I was raised. I never got “beatings” but let’s say words cut deeper than any spanking and they last forever. I think so much about those words all the time especially during certain times.

Lastly, I’ve learned that getting older stinks! Ok, until next time which I hope I won’t take forever to return to bore you with a little humor, maybe dry at times but I hope not. Good day Ā šŸ˜‰

 

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“An Aspie Having it All Together”

Today in my therapy session, ok so yea I need therapy to help me cope with my perceptions, anxieties, moods, some anger and my sometimes overwhelming meltdowns (the ones where I harm myself, I’ve wrote about this before in another post but briefly to touch on it I do on occasion harm myself during an intense meltdown. Say for instance if I got extremely upset or angered about something missing and not finding it where I had it after awhile of searching or a small disagreement with my husband I will get a handful of my hair all the way to the root and pull hard, not out but hard and then mess up my hair, scream harshly while open handed hit my head on both sides and sometimes I will also scratch my face from my forehead to down my neck…all while standing then after I will sit and cry while rocking).

So today while the therapist and I were talking she had begun to tell me that being an aspie I appear to have it all together than some but I began to get a little emotional and she asked what’s wrong I told her that actually it’s just what it appears to be though, sure I get that others are more different than myself, all of us aspies are very different and even each person is different as well…if we were all alike this world would be very boring, that’s my look on it anyways! But, I said that even though it appears that I have it all together I really don’t I just make it look like I do.

Have you ever seen a little comic/cartoon drawing of a door, on one side there’s a small scribble then the door and on the other side of the door a huge dark messy scribble…small one says “this is what I say” and the big one says “this is what I want to say”?? That’s me always! I never say 99.9% of what I really want to say, never have and most likely never will.

So, do I have it all together?? No but that’s in my eyes only apparently.

Comforts I love and need!

Some may understand, mostly other aspies and parents of aspies, how much we love comfort and sameness. It can be anything, from foods to movies to things you touch or hold or maybe a combination of several things. For myself it’s a combination of many things of different foods, certain movies and certain kinds of fabrics.

My food comforts, some are ones I will cook at home but some are ones I must go get from a restaurant (umm, NOT McD’s yack!). The ones I cook myself are: Spaghetti, Meatloaf, Roast, good southern food which mostly is greens and beans with cornbreadĀ and those are just my comfort ones. I cook more than just those, those are just the ones I could eat more than once or twice and not be sick of them. The ones from restaurants are: Chicken Chimi’s from our local Mexican place, General Sao’s chicken, Fried Rice and Pizza.

The movies I could watch a million times and still love them and not be bored or sick of them are well mostly from the 80’s and 90’s, yea I know but I was born in the 70’s and in the 80’s was my teen years so go figure on that one. Course that’s not to say I don’t like/love movies from a different time or these days. I generally love comedy but I sometimes go through a stage where I want drama or scary movies, action and adventure are iffy but will watch them from time to time and fantasy takes me to a different place, kinda makes me feel like I should be there..yea I know strange but hey that’s just me.

Things I love to feel and hold are fabrics that are so soft or satiny feeling, I could hold or sleep with all day or night. Like right now I have brown satin sheets on my bed, feels so nice and soft I run my hands and arms all over the smooth surface feels so soft, like if I were to touch a cloud that’s how I imagine it feeling. The satiny softness eases my nerves, helps me relax and calms me so I rest easier at night. There are other fabrics I enjoy touching too and sometimes I have found that I have this thing when I’m shopping if something even looks soft I will touch it, more like I need to touch it.

Like I say not many will get this, mostly other aspies and parents of aspies will understand. And these things I need daily in my life to help me when I’m stressed or my senses are out of whack or maybe my anxiety is near panic mode many of these help me.

Passions, likes, loves and addictions!

We all have things that we enjoy, like doing, items that are our favorites, movies we love, food we like and some have addictions to their passions but for us aspies its much stronger and not easily to move past or go to another activity. It’s almost like being in school really, we study our passions, likes and loves so much so that we know the names of every person who created it or know just how it was made down to the last small detail and know how to modify it better or know the entire collection and can name them from memory with just one glance.

Since my boys were dx’d (diagnose, diagnosed, diagnosis) at 4 1/2 and 3 I’ve learned all there is about Star Wars, something I thought I knew about more than my oldest since it came out when I was a little girl but he has “studied” it closely since he was 2 as well as Lego’s, which I think my feet and knees know more about pain than playing or as my oldest would say “it’s not playing it’s constructing”. Then there is his, my oldest, most favorite activity drawing and he has been doing that since he could hold a crayon! At first it was just stick people, odd looking stick people and when he started school you would see all these scribbles and odd looking stick people on his papers, well not just in one little spot or location but ALL over along the edges of the papers though I have to say he did learn too and oddly enough his teachers didn’t mind all that much.

Now my youngest, he was never really “hooked” on anything like his brother was but when he learned to read he learned to really enjoy his books. He really loves science and history, he really retains what he has learned in class and brings it home which he will continue to talk about for weeks if not months about it. When he was dx’d at 3 he just started talking but you couldn’t understand a word he was saying and now he talks nonstop, I love hearing him talk about his passions because there was a time I didn’t understand him and now its just wonderful. He is dx’d with Autism and Asperger’s because he showed sign’s for the “classic Autism” per the DSMIV (at the time, before DSMV came out) but didn’t fit in all the “boxes” for a full Autism dx.

As far as myself goes, yea I know shocker but if you read my profile and other posts you’d know I am an aspie too. Course I wasn’t dx’d until I was 42, only a year ago, but I’ve always known I was different from the rest of my peers, that something was different with me but I couldn’t understand why I was, I just knew I was. My passions, likes, loves and addictions are different, though I think that maybe all us aspies passions, likes, loves and addictions are different. As I’ve said to my kids and others before, “if we were the same we would be boring, but we are different and that makes us interesting”, whether others or well NT’s see it that way or maybe they think we are boring that’s their loss.

I love researching, usually anything really but more for my family history and other history throughout time. My husband says I have an addiction to stationary, ok so maybe I do, I love good pens and paper or notebooks and I’m constantly putting things in ABC order! I love the smell of old homes, for some reason it feels like I had been there once before long ago but I wasn’t.

I kinda feel as though maybe I got off topic in a few spots here and there but that’s just how my mind works, hard to concentrate on the same thing for me but I don’t know maybe it will help in some form for another mom who is seeking comfort in knowing shes not alone on her journey or help a teen think more that “so what” if they are different, different is good and boring is bad. On to more female aspie awareness.

Bad side of a good vacation…

When you plan a vacation you are excited and thrilled at the fun you hope to have when you go. Of course you must plan ahead for boo-boos and uh-ohs as well as mishaps and unfortunate accidents but you hope they don’t happen.

So let me tell you about our little vacation that was suppose to be a great time for our family as it’s been 10 years since we’ve gone on one.

I planned it so perfectly, knew just where we were going and what we would go do. My husband made the choice of going to Miami, his home town and his sister still lives there so we thought it would also be nice to visit some with her and the family.

Our first night there, getting checked in was OK and then dinner was a hassle only because my youngest struggles with food issues, severely, it’s like there’s only a select foods he will eat and sometimes that is a chore I  itself. But we managed to make it through dinner and so begins the wait on my sister in-law and family.

They finally arrive, I’m so beside myself as well as my family because we haven’t seen them in 10 years. What started out a wonderful happy reunion soon went south in a flash!
My husband and her husband both decided to stay in the room with the kids so me, his sister, niece and her boyfriend and nephew all went to the bar that is attached to the hotel.
Started out all laughs and I was only halfway in my drink (frozen strawberry daiquiri) they all, well besides my nieces boyfriend, were into 3rd and 4th drinks and getting way loud, people looking at us…ugh the more they drank the louder they got and I was plumb miserable! I text my husband to come rescue me and then the check came, $270.00!! I tried my best to figure out who had what and they want to argue so we just paid the whole bill and we hoped that they would leave…nope no chance in that.

My night was getting worse by the minute and didn’t think it was ever going to end! We finally got them up to walk out and then the waitress brings a bill that my nephew had started after I paid the first one, $60, so huge argument started…my anxiety is now through the roof, let me dig a hole and hide in it please. So I left everyone and went to the room crying, I’m so upset that this had happened and embarrassed as hell!

Not long, my niece and her boyfriend come to the room she’s crying all upset saying that something happened and the ambulance was there and cops were called. Oh lord help me now.
Come to find out my drunk sister in-law fell and got hurt but she told the cops that her daughter pushed her when in fact she just lost her balance because she was wobbling like a weeble wobble person.
With them being so loud the night manager was ready to put us on the street all because they were being so loud and disorderly. Now I’m losing it, tears are flowing like niagra falls. My ridiculous drunk nephew comes to the room and scares our boys, they aren’t use to this nor are they around this never! My youngest with his anxiety and phobias, let’s just say between him and myself calming us is a chore and is up to my husband. At this point I’m ready to go home, it’s almost 3am but I don’t care I want to go home, I want my comfort zone/area and that’s home but he was able to calm us plus get the night manager to let us stay, the cops arrested my niece and we have yet to hear from anyone to say sorry or to offer to pay us back. We won’t be back.

After that night we did wind up having a really good time, our only issue was trying to find food that our youngest would eat. I was sure he lost weight while on vacation but nope he’s ok.

Next vacation won’t be near family!!

Aspies on Vacation

Going on a family vacation should be a relaxing time, not for my family…I mean part of it will be relaxing, maybe when everyone is in bed asleep lol, no but close. We do intend to have fun though, which is why I’m telling y’all about it…I may not be posting until we get back and due to people talking about not posting when you are leaving and bad people breaking in to others stealing which here we are lucky to have great neighbors who are nosey and tote plenty of ammo and guns.

But getting back to my topic, an aspie is never really on vacation when actually on a vacation because we still have our fears, sensory difficulties, anxieties, meltdowns and introvertedness.
There will be many obstacles, many which will be food issues with my youngest (who is 11 years old). There isn’t much he will eat and it’s already difficult enough here at home so going to a different state, that may have some places he will eat, will be a tough challenge.

Lord please give me the extra patience I will need for this family vacation and not be like the “Grizzwalds” lol.

No where to run

Sometimes I really need a break, get away from the things that are so overwhelming, get away from getting sensory overload but there’s no where to run though sometimes I can escape when I go to the bathroom or take a shower but that’s all.

I’d like to just take off alone but my anxiety halts me, either one of my kids or my husband goes with me. I never go anywhere alone but at the same time I wish I could be alone though I know I won’t or can’t because I’m trapped inside myself.

There are days where I think I can do this alone but that’s all just in thought.
I’m too socially awkward or “shy” to go places alone, must have a “buffer” person.
Anxieties are my demon, straight up witch that has such a hold on my life and makes me feel as though I have no where to run. Ugh…