Been TOO long….

It’s been too long since I’ve been here to post anything, just been busy with this thing called life and speaking of such life I must pause a moment in one we lost most recently, one who held my teen years hostage in his songs, Prince. Whether you liked him or not no matter but it was still a life lost.

— Pause—

Anyways, as I had mentioned it’s been a long time since I’ve come here to post and I totally missed posting on here during April, Autism Awareness Month and I’m a bit bummed about that as I had plans to post more awareness for females on the spectrum but I know I can always post so I’m not that bummed about that. There still needs to be more awareness about females on the spectrum so that girls aren’t left behind as I was. I didn’t know until I was 42 that I had Asperger’s Syndrome. Had I known or even my mom known when I was a girl in elementary school maybe I could’ve had more help towards my emotions, moods, anxieties and phobias. Course my mom had me evaluated and tested back when I was in 3rd grade in the early 80’s, they told my mom I was just a little slow and had some learning difficulties in the area of math, some speech problems, memory issues and difficulties understanding of sarcasms and idioms where I took them literally. I had help in math up until 10th grade as I didn’t require any more credits in math and I had speech up until 8th grade. I was so embarrassed to be in those classes and afraid that other students would find out and I would be laughed at, though no one ever found out thankfully.

Coming here to voice my opinions and tell my life story helps in some ways, though not completely as I have deep, very deep wounds from my parents and how I was raised. I never got “beatings” but let’s say words cut deeper than any spanking and they last forever. I think so much about those words all the time especially during certain times.

Lastly, I’ve learned that getting older stinks! Ok, until next time which I hope I won’t take forever to return to bore you with a little humor, maybe dry at times but I hope not. Good day  😉

 

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Changes are Tough!

Everyone goes through changes but for us aspies it’s just not as easy for us to just “get over it”, it’s very hard and most times it can be down right tough on us to get through the change. Most times if it’s not a bad change we may go with the flow slower than most but sometimes there’s that really tough change that comes at a moments notice and an explosion occurs with a ton of emotions at once and we may spiral out of control or go into a fit/meltdown or cry or sit and rock or we may hit, scratch or well harm ourselves until we calm down.

A change can be anything really, small or big, change is change no matter the size of it and we vary as to how we aspies react to it.

Tonight, I struggled with a change and guess you could say I’m still working on getting over it, it’s been 45 minutes now and well I can say I’m a bit more calm than what I was when it happened. What happened was for dinner I had wanted to make some chili but the beef hadn’t thawed out completely so I was fine, I figured I could just make me something quick in the microwave, something a bit “childish” or well from my childhood which was spaghetti in the can but anyways I, without really thinking, grabbed a ceramic bowl out of the dishwasher which my husband had earlier done the dishes but after I had already put the contents in the bowl that he came in the kitchen and asked where’d I get the bowl that not only remembered he didn’t start the dishwasher but that was my only can of spaghetti!

I lost it, completely lost it! I let him know while raising my voice that he should have reminded me after asking if he was going to use the bowl in the first place. I had a fit, I was enraged though this time I didn’t harm myself as I usually tend to do but I felt hurt, betrayed, alone, sick and really had anyone including my boys come to me I would’ve yelled at them for no reason. I was really heated inside.                                                                     So, I sat down and then cried as well as do some breathing exercises that my therapist has been on me to try…well, it kind of worked. Now that my “fit” is done I truly feel very sorry that I yelled at my husband but I look back and he really could’ve reminded me that the dishes in the dishwasher were dirty. I’m now able to sit here and normally type instead of pound my words out, ha-ha. Now I feel cool inside enough to take another stab at making me something to eat. ugh…change!

“An Aspie Having it All Together”

Today in my therapy session, ok so yea I need therapy to help me cope with my perceptions, anxieties, moods, some anger and my sometimes overwhelming meltdowns (the ones where I harm myself, I’ve wrote about this before in another post but briefly to touch on it I do on occasion harm myself during an intense meltdown. Say for instance if I got extremely upset or angered about something missing and not finding it where I had it after awhile of searching or a small disagreement with my husband I will get a handful of my hair all the way to the root and pull hard, not out but hard and then mess up my hair, scream harshly while open handed hit my head on both sides and sometimes I will also scratch my face from my forehead to down my neck…all while standing then after I will sit and cry while rocking).

So today while the therapist and I were talking she had begun to tell me that being an aspie I appear to have it all together than some but I began to get a little emotional and she asked what’s wrong I told her that actually it’s just what it appears to be though, sure I get that others are more different than myself, all of us aspies are very different and even each person is different as well…if we were all alike this world would be very boring, that’s my look on it anyways! But, I said that even though it appears that I have it all together I really don’t I just make it look like I do.

Have you ever seen a little comic/cartoon drawing of a door, on one side there’s a small scribble then the door and on the other side of the door a huge dark messy scribble…small one says “this is what I say” and the big one says “this is what I want to say”?? That’s me always! I never say 99.9% of what I really want to say, never have and most likely never will.

So, do I have it all together?? No but that’s in my eyes only apparently.

Just don’t get people…

Being an Aspie we have a hard time at a lot of things and “people-ing” is a big one! Conversations are tough but if you find that one person who you share similar interests it’s not so hard to communicate and then a friendship is formed. Having a friend or friends is great, going places, meeting for lunch, shopping, laughing, etc…there are ones that say they are a friend but it’s only a one-sided kind of thing, where you are always there for them but they are never there for you, they only talk about them and never let you talk, you cheer them up but when you need cheering up they aren’t around, etc…those are the horrible ones, ones you hope you never come across.

Unfortunately I got caught up with a friend, well supposed friend, because I’ve known her since we were in middle school and she was never as bad at friendship as she is these days and I’m not sure why she is this way or what went wrong with her. I won’t get too much into it because it upsets me but I just don’t know how to end it because I’ve known her for 30 years, it’s just too difficult.

Anyways, I’ll never understand why people are the way they are. For instance, why do others have to be so mean and rude, hurt others, stomp on others feelings, use ones friendship, belittle someone, etc…it just don’t make sense to me how people can be so cruel, hateful knowing they are hurting someone. Don’t people understand kids watch them, mimic them and the cycle keeps turning. But yet people complain about all that, complain that nothing is changing, that others claim race while others blame religions and beliefs.

Being an Aspie this just confuses me too much. Maybe I put more heart into it or maybe I over think things or maybe, just maybe people need to start listening and watching how they act and what they say, not to hurt someone or judge a person.

I may not have made any sense to anyone, I may not have reached others or rather may not have sent a good enough message about how others treat other people but this was on my mind and had to get it out. But thanks for reading anyways.

Teachers just don’t get it!

Today I had a 2nd meeting with my youngest teachers. Seems he is having most trouble in English and finishing his work then turning things in.

Ok, so let me back up a bit so you understand better.

My youngest was diagnosed (dx’d) with Asperger’s, OCD, Anxiety, Phobia disorders, TIC’s, Simple Tremors, Petit Mal Seizure’s, Sensory Processing Disorder’s and ADHD. He has an IEP in place and receives services as well as use of a calculator in math and full use of a laptop so he doesn’t have to write. Writing is very difficult for him as well as doing some every day tasks like buttoning pants or shirts. He still has issues bathing and brushing teeth.

Only one teacher is complaining about his work, keeping him on task, his homework, completing his classwork on time, keeping his attention, etc…and it’s his ELA teacher that is complaining the most. ELA, if you don’t know is English Language Arts. In 6th grade they are doing high school work, he seems to understand and able to keep up but that’s not the problem. I believe the main issue he is having is the fact she is demanding too much at once from him and he is getting too over whelmed with it and he shuts down. But getting her to get it is proving to be a challenge!

Comforts I love and need!

Some may understand, mostly other aspies and parents of aspies, how much we love comfort and sameness. It can be anything, from foods to movies to things you touch or hold or maybe a combination of several things. For myself it’s a combination of many things of different foods, certain movies and certain kinds of fabrics.

My food comforts, some are ones I will cook at home but some are ones I must go get from a restaurant (umm, NOT McD’s yack!). The ones I cook myself are: Spaghetti, Meatloaf, Roast, good southern food which mostly is greens and beans with cornbread and those are just my comfort ones. I cook more than just those, those are just the ones I could eat more than once or twice and not be sick of them. The ones from restaurants are: Chicken Chimi’s from our local Mexican place, General Sao’s chicken, Fried Rice and Pizza.

The movies I could watch a million times and still love them and not be bored or sick of them are well mostly from the 80’s and 90’s, yea I know but I was born in the 70’s and in the 80’s was my teen years so go figure on that one. Course that’s not to say I don’t like/love movies from a different time or these days. I generally love comedy but I sometimes go through a stage where I want drama or scary movies, action and adventure are iffy but will watch them from time to time and fantasy takes me to a different place, kinda makes me feel like I should be there..yea I know strange but hey that’s just me.

Things I love to feel and hold are fabrics that are so soft or satiny feeling, I could hold or sleep with all day or night. Like right now I have brown satin sheets on my bed, feels so nice and soft I run my hands and arms all over the smooth surface feels so soft, like if I were to touch a cloud that’s how I imagine it feeling. The satiny softness eases my nerves, helps me relax and calms me so I rest easier at night. There are other fabrics I enjoy touching too and sometimes I have found that I have this thing when I’m shopping if something even looks soft I will touch it, more like I need to touch it.

Like I say not many will get this, mostly other aspies and parents of aspies will understand. And these things I need daily in my life to help me when I’m stressed or my senses are out of whack or maybe my anxiety is near panic mode many of these help me.

One of my hobbies, photography.

Fire breathing in the sky

Fire breathing in the sky!

Thought I would share just one of my many hobbies, I have many like cross-stitching, doing some crafting and creating things, doing genealogy and photography. My kind of photography is more nature related than photos of people but I do love taking photos of my family especially when they are caught off guard, more of a “natural” pose for me.

I took this photo while we were in Miami, Fl one evening. After we got home and I went through all the photos this one was just one of the many special ones I happen to take that turned out so awesome. If you like to look up at the clouds and see objects or animals in them then you’ll see this right away but if you are having a hard time figuring it out it looks like a dragon.

From time to time I’ll post some photos that I hope you will enjoy!