Don’t over crowd me, don’t get too close, don’t close me in or back me in a corner, don’t trap me into a long conversation or press me too hard about anything or try to get me to go somewhere I don’t want to go, don’t answer for me unless I ask you to do so, don’t waste my time, don’t bug my last nerve, don’t chew with your mouth open and don’t smack your lips, don’t be a dick/witch to me, don’t assume I’m done talking because I pause a moment, don’t think I’m stupid because I am unable to do something you are able to do, don’t think I want your pitty when I open up to you and tell you my dx’s, don’t lie to me, don’t be a shit/fake friend, don’t talk politics or religion and don’t judge me.
I guess I want to say that the first time I ever remember of my brains ramblings I was maybe 10 and the first time I noticed the pattern of its ramblings keeping me from slumber I guess I was about 20 years old.
When I was about 22 I was dx’d with clinical depression, really was not expecting that diagnosis as it didn’t seem to fit but I went along with it why not I figure the medical field people know more than myself and even though they put me on some medication it never seemed right, never felt any results because my brain was still full of thoughts, racing at best and there was no stopping. Sleep seemed seldom.
Before I had my kids I was staying up until near 3am and maybe sleeping about 4 hours a night if that as my brain just won’t quit thinking.
Starting to think maybe I did my best thinking when I should be resting, funny but not as I’d love to sleep.
Seems now that I’ve had my kids I think twice as much as I did before them. When they were little they kept me pretty preoccupied even though my brain didn’t slow down none but I would say it would pause during certain moments of the day but never at night…ugh.
Today I have several dx’s: Asperger’s, Bipolar 1, OCD, PTSD and Anxiety Disorders. Not happy about them but through therapy I understand why and how several came to be and a few are genetic unfortunately.
The many thoughts that race through are things I should’ve done or said, sad things, things from the past or of the future, pets, home, car, people, shows and movies, food or what to cook next, my boys and their schools, my husband and his family or my parents and other family, etc…
Its never just one thing, it’s multiple and always, always constant when one races through 10 more come in nothing ever leaves and always worse at night!
I just wanna sleep without my brain thinking so much. Grrr…
I know I’ve been MIA for a good while, just haven’t had the words at the tip of my fingers lately though I’ve wanted and tried many times to gather my thoughts but they are just running so wildly like a kid without their ADHD medication though I wonder if maybe that could be what I need to keep my thoughts from running so out of control so that maybe I could freely think on one thing at a time.
In the time that I have been gone I’ve come to realize that I’m a bit complicated, can’t believe I’m saying this but I do believe my dx of Bipolar is correct though yes I am an aspie and I’ve come to the realization that the two can co-exist and I’m fine with that. Thing is though is other people, I don’t think they are ok with anyone who are different from the “norm”, who have “issues” and real problems. It’s unfortunate for them, sure I am different and yes I am odd and weird as well as have some complicated issues to deal with on a daily basis but doesn’t mean I don’t have real feelings or that I don’t feel the same as anyone else. I wish I could walk away from some of the things that hurt or bother me but it’s never a simple thing and never will be.
So, I’m still here and I’ll post again soon.
It’s been too long since I’ve been here to post anything, just been busy with this thing called life and speaking of such life I must pause a moment in one we lost most recently, one who held my teen years hostage in his songs, Prince. Whether you liked him or not no matter but it was still a life lost.
Anyways, as I had mentioned it’s been a long time since I’ve come here to post and I totally missed posting on here during April, Autism Awareness Month and I’m a bit bummed about that as I had plans to post more awareness for females on the spectrum but I know I can always post so I’m not that bummed about that. There still needs to be more awareness about females on the spectrum so that girls aren’t left behind as I was. I didn’t know until I was 42 that I had Asperger’s Syndrome. Had I known or even my mom known when I was a girl in elementary school maybe I could’ve had more help towards my emotions, moods, anxieties and phobias. Course my mom had me evaluated and tested back when I was in 3rd grade in the early 80’s, they told my mom I was just a little slow and had some learning difficulties in the area of math, some speech problems, memory issues and difficulties understanding of sarcasms and idioms where I took them literally. I had help in math up until 10th grade as I didn’t require any more credits in math and I had speech up until 8th grade. I was so embarrassed to be in those classes and afraid that other students would find out and I would be laughed at, though no one ever found out thankfully.
Coming here to voice my opinions and tell my life story helps in some ways, though not completely as I have deep, very deep wounds from my parents and how I was raised. I never got “beatings” but let’s say words cut deeper than any spanking and they last forever. I think so much about those words all the time especially during certain times.
Lastly, I’ve learned that getting older stinks! Ok, until next time which I hope I won’t take forever to return to bore you with a little humor, maybe dry at times but I hope not. Good day 😉
Everyone goes through changes but for us aspies it’s just not as easy for us to just “get over it”, it’s very hard and most times it can be down right tough on us to get through the change. Most times if it’s not a bad change we may go with the flow slower than most but sometimes there’s that really tough change that comes at a moments notice and an explosion occurs with a ton of emotions at once and we may spiral out of control or go into a fit/meltdown or cry or sit and rock or we may hit, scratch or well harm ourselves until we calm down.
A change can be anything really, small or big, change is change no matter the size of it and we vary as to how we aspies react to it.
Tonight, I struggled with a change and guess you could say I’m still working on getting over it, it’s been 45 minutes now and well I can say I’m a bit more calm than what I was when it happened. What happened was for dinner I had wanted to make some chili but the beef hadn’t thawed out completely so I was fine, I figured I could just make me something quick in the microwave, something a bit “childish” or well from my childhood which was spaghetti in the can but anyways I, without really thinking, grabbed a ceramic bowl out of the dishwasher which my husband had earlier done the dishes but after I had already put the contents in the bowl that he came in the kitchen and asked where’d I get the bowl that not only remembered he didn’t start the dishwasher but that was my only can of spaghetti!
I lost it, completely lost it! I let him know while raising my voice that he should have reminded me after asking if he was going to use the bowl in the first place. I had a fit, I was enraged though this time I didn’t harm myself as I usually tend to do but I felt hurt, betrayed, alone, sick and really had anyone including my boys come to me I would’ve yelled at them for no reason. I was really heated inside. So, I sat down and then cried as well as do some breathing exercises that my therapist has been on me to try…well, it kind of worked. Now that my “fit” is done I truly feel very sorry that I yelled at my husband but I look back and he really could’ve reminded me that the dishes in the dishwasher were dirty. I’m now able to sit here and normally type instead of pound my words out, ha-ha. Now I feel cool inside enough to take another stab at making me something to eat. ugh…change!
Today in my therapy session, ok so yea I need therapy to help me cope with my perceptions, anxieties, moods, some anger and my sometimes overwhelming meltdowns (the ones where I harm myself, I’ve wrote about this before in another post but briefly to touch on it I do on occasion harm myself during an intense meltdown. Say for instance if I got extremely upset or angered about something missing and not finding it where I had it after awhile of searching or a small disagreement with my husband I will get a handful of my hair all the way to the root and pull hard, not out but hard and then mess up my hair, scream harshly while open handed hit my head on both sides and sometimes I will also scratch my face from my forehead to down my neck…all while standing then after I will sit and cry while rocking).
So today while the therapist and I were talking she had begun to tell me that being an aspie I appear to have it all together than some but I began to get a little emotional and she asked what’s wrong I told her that actually it’s just what it appears to be though, sure I get that others are more different than myself, all of us aspies are very different and even each person is different as well…if we were all alike this world would be very boring, that’s my look on it anyways! But, I said that even though it appears that I have it all together I really don’t I just make it look like I do.
Have you ever seen a little comic/cartoon drawing of a door, on one side there’s a small scribble then the door and on the other side of the door a huge dark messy scribble…small one says “this is what I say” and the big one says “this is what I want to say”?? That’s me always! I never say 99.9% of what I really want to say, never have and most likely never will.
So, do I have it all together?? No but that’s in my eyes only apparently.
One of the many things that people with Asperger’s do is overthink things, sometimes over analyze until we worry so much that our anxieties take over, even though sometimes it makes us have panic attacks sometimes we are right about what we fear or worry over. If others would only but listen to us more than trying to always tell us to “calm down”. For me the only way to calm me is for others to listen to me and that’s one reason I see a therapist.
So that being said I have something that is presently bothering me and kind of “overthinking” some. My youngest, he is 11 and he was dx’d (diagnosed) at age 3 with Asperger’s, Anxiety, OCD, Tremors, TICS, ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorders, Petit Mal Seizures. He is considered low to middle on the ASD scale. He didn’t talk until he was near 3 but it was all gibberish, nothing was understandable and if he wanted anything he would point and grunt. He had all the signs of “Classic Autism” but because he could do certain things and could learn they diagnosed him with Asperger’s.
Once he was dx’d with Petit Mal Seizures we started seeing a Neurologist which dx’d his tremors as Simple Tremors, if you google it you’ll see why I think about it so much. He’s had the Tremors since birth and they’re getting worse as he ages. They’re so bad he can’t write, holding a cup without a lid can be very messy for him, brushing his teeth is difficult for him so we help him with that, doing any small task is extremely difficult. He gets services at school, he uses a laptop when he needs to write they have a program on the laptop for him. He does pretty good in school, though he has had his moments which I’ll post about another time.
Here is what I keep overthinking about with his Tremors. What is the likely hood that it could be an early onset of MS or Parkinson’s. There’s no one in the family, that we know of, that has either but that doesn’t mean it can’t just start. My husband keeps trying to say no way, says that he has tremors but they are not the same no where near the same. I’m sure he is trying to ease my mind but really it doesn’t. I try hard not to think of this.
I really hate this overthinking.