Comforts I love and need!

Some may understand, mostly other aspies and parents of aspies, how much we love comfort and sameness. It can be anything, from foods to movies to things you touch or hold or maybe a combination of several things. For myself it’s a combination of many things of different foods, certain movies and certain kinds of fabrics.

My food comforts, some are ones I will cook at home but some are ones I must go get from a restaurant (umm, NOT McD’s yack!). The ones I cook myself are: Spaghetti, Meatloaf, Roast, good southern food which mostly is greens and beans with cornbreadĀ and those are just my comfort ones. I cook more than just those, those are just the ones I could eat more than once or twice and not be sick of them. The ones from restaurants are: Chicken Chimi’s from our local Mexican place, General Sao’s chicken, Fried Rice and Pizza.

The movies I could watch a million times and still love them and not be bored or sick of them are well mostly from the 80’s and 90’s, yea I know but I was born in the 70’s and in the 80’s was my teen years so go figure on that one. Course that’s not to say I don’t like/love movies from a different time or these days. I generally love comedy but I sometimes go through a stage where I want drama or scary movies, action and adventure are iffy but will watch them from time to time and fantasy takes me to a different place, kinda makes me feel like I should be there..yea I know strange but hey that’s just me.

Things I love to feel and hold are fabrics that are so soft or satiny feeling, I could hold or sleep with all day or night. Like right now I have brown satin sheets on my bed, feels so nice and soft I run my hands and arms all over the smooth surface feels so soft, like if I were to touch a cloud that’s how I imagine it feeling. The satiny softness eases my nerves, helps me relax and calms me so I rest easier at night. There are other fabrics I enjoy touching too and sometimes I have found that I have this thing when I’m shopping if something even looks soft I will touch it, more like I need to touch it.

Like I say not many will get this, mostly other aspies and parents of aspies will understand. And these things I need daily in my life to help me when I’m stressed or my senses are out of whack or maybe my anxiety is near panic mode many of these help me.

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Bad side of a good vacation…

When you plan a vacation you are excited and thrilled at the fun you hope to have when you go. Of course you must plan ahead for boo-boos and uh-ohs as well as mishaps and unfortunate accidents but you hope they don’t happen.

So let me tell you about our little vacation that was suppose to be a great time for our family as it’s been 10 years since we’ve gone on one.

I planned it so perfectly, knew just where we were going and what we would go do. My husband made the choice of going to Miami, his home town and his sister still lives there so we thought it would also be nice to visit some with her and the family.

Our first night there, getting checked in was OK and then dinner was a hassle only because my youngest struggles with food issues, severely, it’s like there’s only a select foods he will eat and sometimes that is a chore I  itself. But we managed to make it through dinner and so begins the wait on my sister in-law and family.

They finally arrive, I’m so beside myself as well as my family because we haven’t seen them in 10 years. What started out a wonderful happy reunion soon went south in a flash!
My husband and her husband both decided to stay in the room with the kids so me, his sister, niece and her boyfriend and nephew all went to the bar that is attached to the hotel.
Started out all laughs and I was only halfway in my drink (frozen strawberry daiquiri) they all, well besides my nieces boyfriend, were into 3rd and 4th drinks and getting way loud, people looking at us…ugh the more they drank the louder they got and I was plumb miserable! I text my husband to come rescue me and then the check came, $270.00!! I tried my best to figure out who had what and they want to argue so we just paid the whole bill and we hoped that they would leave…nope no chance in that.

My night was getting worse by the minute and didn’t think it was ever going to end! We finally got them up to walk out and then the waitress brings a bill that my nephew had started after I paid the first one, $60, so huge argument started…my anxiety is now through the roof, let me dig a hole and hide in it please. So I left everyone and went to the room crying, I’m so upset that this had happened and embarrassed as hell!

Not long, my niece and her boyfriend come to the room she’s crying all upset saying that something happened and the ambulance was there and cops were called. Oh lord help me now.
Come to find out my drunk sister in-law fell and got hurt but she told the cops that her daughter pushed her when in fact she just lost her balance because she was wobbling like a weeble wobble person.
With them being so loud the night manager was ready to put us on the street all because they were being so loud and disorderly. Now I’m losing it, tears are flowing like niagra falls. My ridiculous drunk nephew comes to the room and scares our boys, they aren’t use to this nor are they around this never! My youngest with his anxiety and phobias, let’s just say between him and myself calming us is a chore and is up to my husband. At this point I’m ready to go home, it’s almost 3am but I don’t care I want to go home, I want my comfort zone/area and that’s home but he was able to calm us plus get the night manager to let us stay, the cops arrested my niece and we have yet to hear from anyone to say sorry or to offer to pay us back. We won’t be back.

After that night we did wind up having a really good time, our only issue was trying to find food that our youngest would eat. I was sure he lost weight while on vacation but nope he’s ok.

Next vacation won’t be near family!!

Aspies on Vacation

Going on a family vacation should be a relaxing time, not for my family…I mean part of it will be relaxing, maybe when everyone is in bed asleep lol, no but close. We do intend to have fun though, which is why I’m telling y’all about it…I may not be posting until we get back and due to people talking about not posting when you are leaving and bad people breaking in to others stealing which here we are lucky to have great neighbors who are nosey and tote plenty of ammo and guns.

But getting back to my topic, an aspie is never really on vacation when actually on a vacation because we still have our fears, sensory difficulties, anxieties, meltdowns and introvertedness.
There will be many obstacles, many which will be food issues with my youngest (who is 11 years old). There isn’t much he will eat and it’s already difficult enough here at home so going to a different state, that may have some places he will eat, will be a tough challenge.

Lord please give me the extra patience I will need for this family vacation and not be like the “Grizzwalds” lol.

No where to run

Sometimes I really need a break, get away from the things that are so overwhelming, get away from getting sensory overload but there’s no where to run though sometimes I can escape when I go to the bathroom or take a shower but that’s all.

I’d like to just take off alone but my anxiety halts me, either one of my kids or my husband goes with me. I never go anywhere alone but at the same time I wish I could be alone though I know I won’t or can’t because I’m trapped inside myself.

There are days where I think I can do this alone but that’s all just in thought.
I’m too socially awkward or “shy” to go places alone, must have a “buffer” person.
Anxieties are my demon, straight up witch that has such a hold on my life and makes me feel as though I have no where to run. Ugh…

Because I know telling you to shut up is rude!

OMG…boy do I have sensory issues, some I never knew I even had or well I never thought I had due to taking care of my boys, both are diagnosed with Asperger’s and I was just diagnosed this year so I never thought about all this for me just my boys.

I’ll talk about one sensory at a time and I choose Auditory. For as long as I can remember I’ve always had issues with certain sounds, a major one is people eating OMG it’s like my hearing is multiplied a millions times more than the average person! It bothers me so bad to hear others eating that either I have to leave or eat chips just to muffle the sounds because I know telling others to shut up is plain rude.

But it’s not just people eating that kills my ears it’s anything high pitched, sharp…like dogs barks, screaming children, squeaking shoes (like walking on a tile floor after coming in from the rain) or squeaking plastic. Loud pops, claps, yelling, tv/movie too loud, tapping (yea I know right…can’t tell you how bad that hurts my brain) and some hand dryers in public bathrooms, seriously they feel like a jet taking off!

But like I say I never thought about me until after I was diagnosed with Asperger’s and started really looking back on my life.

I just hope that the older I get I don’t just hollar at some poor soul “shut up, you’re killing me with your eating”..lol

My Introverted World…

While I see many people enjoy going out and being surrounded by others there’s just no way I would enjoy doing that. A crowd makes me sweat and super nervous!
Hell being on the phone with a strange person makes my brain jiggle like jello, forget answering a straight answer without jumbling up my words and feel like a rushed turtle sweating bullets to make it across the line before that damn rabbit!!

I totally give myself away in public, look like a nervous Nelly or maybe someone whose a crack addict or one who is in the process of stealing…I know, how do I know what those kind of people act like well I love the show Intervention on a&e and I use to work in security (long time ago, was the perfect job for someone like me..work night shift and almost a skeleton crew).

I’m happiest at home being with my family and fur babies. We eat out but during calm, slow, before the hungry crowds…OK so usually around 4ish or we get it to go.
We do enjoy going to the movies and the last one we, husband and I, saw was San Andreas though it was the middle of the day and we we’re the only 2 there watching!

I see movies and shows of couples throwing such lovely parties, girl parties, bbq’s, etc…how I would love to do those but only deep down, I know I would never because any more than just us is too much for me to handle.

When I was a little girl…

I was always odd, weird, silent, never bothered a soul, played just fine alone, knew how to read before I could write and yet numbers messed with my head. I didn’t like to be teased, easily got my feelings hurt, easily angered, quick tempered, certain foods were nasty, didn’t and still don’t like gooey, sticky stuff on my hands and the worst was I couldn’t take a joke, well these days some times I still can’t or it’s just hard for me to “get it” right away. Some say I’m emotional, others have said I’m too serious.

Had Barbies, dolls, stuffed animals, coloring books (which I do still love) but I also had cars, trucks, guns (you know those cowboy guns that you put these little red paper rolls in the gun, cap guns…maybe you’re a bit young for those or you might be my age and remember), yea I had a combo of things I liked growing up.

When it came time for school I pretty much watched how the other girls did things, the way they talked, moved, did their hair, be with friends, what they laughed at and I mimicked them because I didn’t know how to be.

Here’s a great memory from middle school. So there was a boy I kinda liked, I had no idea how to do or act. He had funky, spike hair which I thought was cool (OK so this was the 80’s) and I thought I would do my hair like his…thing is I had medium length hair he didn’t. Every morning I would put enough mousse, gel and hair spray to catch birds and they would get stuck! Then I would scrunch all my hair up making some stick up…looking back I know I looked awful but back then I thought it was awesome and I don’t recall anyone ever laughing, well it’s good that I don’t know. But it didn’t work anyways…I know better now.

Another lovely memory, one not many know outside my family. This was mid-80’s, my mom worked with Coca-cola (she retired in 06 after 30+ years) and they always had coke night at six-flags over GA which was pretty cool, we got in for free, had a huge feast and enjoy the whole park all day. Well, I didn’t care to ride the big scary coasters, didn’t like the crowds, didn’t like the games, didn’t like the costumes…actually didn’t like to do a whole lot and many scared me but the one thing that they did do that absolutely terrified me the most and Everyone else seemed to really enjoy…the fireworks! Near closing time they always did fireworks. I don’t know if anyone had seen me, I really didn’t care though, all I wanted was it to stop. This is me as soon as they started: imagine if you will a 10-12 year old girl crouching, covering her ears, screaming and running around as if she were in a combat zone in the middle of a war! I don’t do that now but I do stay a far, far, far far, far distance.

Early on in my childhood I also gained a healthy respect for storms. When I knew they were headed my way I would build a fort and hide, at night I hid under my covers no matter how hot in the summer too! These days I don’t build forts or hide under my covers but my anxiety takes the place of them.

A lot of these I’ve seen in my boys like covering their ears, storms are issues, etc…but not once did it ever dawn on me that I was the same until I was diagnosed Asperger’s, anxieties, OCD and Bipolar (which I believe that one is not right).

Thats all I got to say about that…for now that is.