“An Aspie Having it All Together”

Today in my therapy session, ok so yea I need therapy to help me cope with my perceptions, anxieties, moods, some anger and my sometimes overwhelming meltdowns (the ones where I harm myself, I’ve wrote about this before in another post but briefly to touch on it I do on occasion harm myself during an intense meltdown. Say for instance if I got extremely upset or angered about something missing and not finding it where I had it after awhile of searching or a small disagreement with my husband I will get a handful of my hair all the way to the root and pull hard, not out but hard and then mess up my hair, scream harshly while open handed hit my head on both sides and sometimes I will also scratch my face from my forehead to down my neck…all while standing then after I will sit and cry while rocking).

So today while the therapist and I were talking she had begun to tell me that being an aspie I appear to have it all together than some but I began to get a little emotional and she asked what’s wrong I told her that actually it’s just what it appears to be though, sure I get that others are more different than myself, all of us aspies are very different and even each person is different as well…if we were all alike this world would be very boring, that’s my look on it anyways! But, I said that even though it appears that I have it all together I really don’t I just make it look like I do.

Have you ever seen a little comic/cartoon drawing of a door, on one side there’s a small scribble then the door and on the other side of the door a huge dark messy scribble…small one says “this is what I say” and the big one says “this is what I want to say”?? That’s me always! I never say 99.9% of what I really want to say, never have and most likely never will.

So, do I have it all together?? No but that’s in my eyes only apparently.

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Always Overthinking….

One of the many things that people with Asperger’s do is overthink things, sometimes over analyze until we worry so much that our anxieties take over, even though sometimes it makes us have panic attacks sometimes we are right about what we fear or worry over. If others would only but listen to us more than trying to always tell us to “calm down”. For me the only way to calm me is for others to listen to me and that’s one reason I see a therapist.

So that being said I have something that is presently bothering me and kind of “overthinking” some. My youngest, he is 11 and he was dx’d (diagnosed) at age 3 with Asperger’s, Anxiety, OCD, Tremors, TICS, ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorders, Petit Mal Seizures. He is considered low to middle on the ASD scale. He didn’t talk until he was near 3 but it was all gibberish, nothing was understandable and if he wanted anything he would point and grunt. He had all the signs of “Classic Autism” but because he could do certain things and could learn they diagnosed him with Asperger’s.

Once he was dx’d with Petit Mal Seizures we started seeing a Neurologist which dx’d his tremors as Simple Tremors, if you google it you’ll see why I think about it so much. He’s had the Tremors since birth and they’re getting worse as he ages. They’re so bad he can’t write, holding a cup without a lid can be very messy for him, brushing his teeth is difficult for him so we help him with that, doing any small task is extremely difficult. He gets services at school, he uses a laptop when he needs to write they have a program on the laptop for him. He does pretty good in school, though he has had his moments which I’ll post about another time.

Here is what I keep overthinking about with his Tremors. What is the likely hood that it could be an early onset of MS or Parkinson’s. There’s no one in the family, that we know of, that has either but that doesn’t mean it can’t just start. My husband keeps trying to say no way, says that he has tremors but they are not the same no where near the same. I’m sure he is trying to ease my mind but really it doesn’t. I try hard not to think of this.

I really hate this overthinking.

Just don’t get people…

Being an Aspie we have a hard time at a lot of things and “people-ing” is a big one! Conversations are tough but if you find that one person who you share similar interests it’s not so hard to communicate and then a friendship is formed. Having a friend or friends is great, going places, meeting for lunch, shopping, laughing, etc…there are ones that say they are a friend but it’s only a one-sided kind of thing, where you are always there for them but they are never there for you, they only talk about them and never let you talk, you cheer them up but when you need cheering up they aren’t around, etc…those are the horrible ones, ones you hope you never come across.

Unfortunately I got caught up with a friend, well supposed friend, because I’ve known her since we were in middle school and she was never as bad at friendship as she is these days and I’m not sure why she is this way or what went wrong with her. I won’t get too much into it because it upsets me but I just don’t know how to end it because I’ve known her for 30 years, it’s just too difficult.

Anyways, I’ll never understand why people are the way they are. For instance, why do others have to be so mean and rude, hurt others, stomp on others feelings, use ones friendship, belittle someone, etc…it just don’t make sense to me how people can be so cruel, hateful knowing they are hurting someone. Don’t people understand kids watch them, mimic them and the cycle keeps turning. But yet people complain about all that, complain that nothing is changing, that others claim race while others blame religions and beliefs.

Being an Aspie this just confuses me too much. Maybe I put more heart into it or maybe I over think things or maybe, just maybe people need to start listening and watching how they act and what they say, not to hurt someone or judge a person.

I may not have made any sense to anyone, I may not have reached others or rather may not have sent a good enough message about how others treat other people but this was on my mind and had to get it out. But thanks for reading anyways.

Zero Concentration!

Here it is I want to write freely about something yet my mind goes to about a million different directions! No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to think on just one thing I get many, many more thoughts butting in and I’m unable to concentrate on the one thing I wanted to write about. There’s no way I could write a book alone, I would need several people to help me, which I would love to write books and do have a ton of ideas on books to write but my brain totally gets in the way. It’s so frustrating!!

It’s like on here, I know I don’t keep up so I get to thinking that my follower’s get tired of waiting for me to post my next post but I know that, well I hope I know, that all follower’s have others that they do follow too but I hope that even though I’m not here as often that my follower’s do stick with me. You know what they say “Patience is a virtue”…many times which I don’t have though I try.

Maybe I need something to help me keep me concentrated or well focused on the main thing I’m doing, that would definitely help, it helps my boys when they are in school so why not me too.

My hope is that I will do better at being here more often to share more of my aspie life, aspie kids, marriage and the 5 furbabies that we love.

To end, I thank all that follow me…ya’ll give me encouragement to keep going just by liking a post or following me.

Worry Wart…oh dear

All my life, well as far back as I can remember, I’ve always worried about something. Actually my mom and many others who’ve took notice to it have always said I was a worry wart, thought I’ve always took that as a sort of “name calling” and kind of stung my feelers in a round about way which now looking back my aspieness had a play in that but I didn’t know that then.

I pretty much worry about everything, if you can think of it well I worry about that. I’m pretty certain that my worrying has a huge part in my panic attacks and at times it can be pretty bad so much so that it’s hard to breathe, I begin to sweat and sometimes I will sweat until the situation I’m in and worrying about is over and I’m out of the situation, I’ll have the nervous shakes and get that fight or flight going on in my mind and body.

I do go to therapy every week, she wants me to do breathing exercises and some other things but when your in a big panic and completely worried about something at that moment I’m not going to remember crap other than get out of the situation! I must say just before my attack gets so bad I do try some breathing but the more the situation gets bigger or out of hand the worse I get. Eventually I hope that some techniques will help but it’s going to take many many times using them before it clicks with me.

You know many people see their diagnosis as being labelled and they hate it but for me being diagnosed at 42 (2014) I actually welcome it though I’m still learning even though my boys were diagnosed with Asperger’s and others and I’ve learned about them but it’s different when it’s yourself. I wish I had been diagnosed as a child I would have begun some therapy then but back when I was a child they just called it being slow and learning disabilities, no therapy, just some services in school and that was it even though Asperger’s was already in the books but no one knew about it because it wasn’t well known as it is now but it was widely known that it was just boys but it is now known to be girl’s as well.

For now I’m ok with my diagnoses but wish it wasn’t so difficult some times.

 

Teachers just don’t get it!

Today I had a 2nd meeting with my youngest teachers. Seems he is having most trouble in English and finishing his work then turning things in.

Ok, so let me back up a bit so you understand better.

My youngest was diagnosed (dx’d) with Asperger’s, OCD, Anxiety, Phobia disorders, TIC’s, Simple Tremors, Petit Mal Seizure’s, Sensory Processing Disorder’s and ADHD. He has an IEP in place and receives services as well as use of a calculator in math and full use of a laptop so he doesn’t have to write. Writing is very difficult for him as well as doing some every day tasks like buttoning pants or shirts. He still has issues bathing and brushing teeth.

Only one teacher is complaining about his work, keeping him on task, his homework, completing his classwork on time, keeping his attention, etc…and it’s his ELA teacher that is complaining the most. ELA, if you don’t know is English Language Arts. In 6th grade they are doing high school work, he seems to understand and able to keep up but that’s not the problem. I believe the main issue he is having is the fact she is demanding too much at once from him and he is getting too over whelmed with it and he shuts down. But getting her to get it is proving to be a challenge!

Comforts I love and need!

Some may understand, mostly other aspies and parents of aspies, how much we love comfort and sameness. It can be anything, from foods to movies to things you touch or hold or maybe a combination of several things. For myself it’s a combination of many things of different foods, certain movies and certain kinds of fabrics.

My food comforts, some are ones I will cook at home but some are ones I must go get from a restaurant (umm, NOT McD’s yack!). The ones I cook myself are: Spaghetti, Meatloaf, Roast, good southern food which mostly is greens and beans with cornbread and those are just my comfort ones. I cook more than just those, those are just the ones I could eat more than once or twice and not be sick of them. The ones from restaurants are: Chicken Chimi’s from our local Mexican place, General Sao’s chicken, Fried Rice and Pizza.

The movies I could watch a million times and still love them and not be bored or sick of them are well mostly from the 80’s and 90’s, yea I know but I was born in the 70’s and in the 80’s was my teen years so go figure on that one. Course that’s not to say I don’t like/love movies from a different time or these days. I generally love comedy but I sometimes go through a stage where I want drama or scary movies, action and adventure are iffy but will watch them from time to time and fantasy takes me to a different place, kinda makes me feel like I should be there..yea I know strange but hey that’s just me.

Things I love to feel and hold are fabrics that are so soft or satiny feeling, I could hold or sleep with all day or night. Like right now I have brown satin sheets on my bed, feels so nice and soft I run my hands and arms all over the smooth surface feels so soft, like if I were to touch a cloud that’s how I imagine it feeling. The satiny softness eases my nerves, helps me relax and calms me so I rest easier at night. There are other fabrics I enjoy touching too and sometimes I have found that I have this thing when I’m shopping if something even looks soft I will touch it, more like I need to touch it.

Like I say not many will get this, mostly other aspies and parents of aspies will understand. And these things I need daily in my life to help me when I’m stressed or my senses are out of whack or maybe my anxiety is near panic mode many of these help me.