Today in my therapy session, ok so yea I need therapy to help me cope with my perceptions, anxieties, moods, some anger and my sometimes overwhelming meltdowns (the ones where I harm myself, I’ve wrote about this before in another post but briefly to touch on it I do on occasion harm myself during an intense meltdown. Say for instance if I got extremely upset or angered about something missing and not finding it where I had it after awhile of searching or a small disagreement with my husband I will get a handful of my hair all the way to the root and pull hard, not out but hard and then mess up my hair, scream harshly while open handed hit my head on both sides and sometimes I will also scratch my face from my forehead to down my neck…all while standing then after I will sit and cry while rocking).
So today while the therapist and I were talking she had begun to tell me that being an aspie I appear to have it all together than some but I began to get a little emotional and she asked what’s wrong I told her that actually it’s just what it appears to be though, sure I get that others are more different than myself, all of us aspies are very different and even each person is different as well…if we were all alike this world would be very boring, that’s my look on it anyways! But, I said that even though it appears that I have it all together I really don’t I just make it look like I do.
Have you ever seen a little comic/cartoon drawing of a door, on one side there’s a small scribble then the door and on the other side of the door a huge dark messy scribble…small one says “this is what I say” and the big one says “this is what I want to say”?? That’s me always! I never say 99.9% of what I really want to say, never have and most likely never will.
So, do I have it all together?? No but that’s in my eyes only apparently.